"BATMAN RETURNS"
May 20, 1991
INT. A STUFFY MANSION--A NIGHT ABOUT THIRTY YEARS AGO
The viewer floats through an overbearing mansion and
up its sweeping staircase to where a stern man in
conservative dress is pacing back and forth, smoking a
cigarette in a cigarette holder. He is the FATHER. The
throes-of-labor pants and moans of the MOTHER can be
heard from down the hall.
Disturbing other-worldly Gaas and Goos chill the air.
Mother's moans turn to howls. The Father stops and
gapes the cigarette holder out of his mouth to see a
SCREECHING NURSE wail out of the mansion room and
disappear down the other end of the hallway.
A TRAUMATIZED DOCTOR next plows out from the room; hold-
ing his mouth in a frenetic gagging noise. The Father
runs into the room. The viewer remains outside and
hears the Father's subsequent screams.
INT. MANSION LIVING ROOM--CHRISTMAS EVE PAST--NIGHT
A bizarrely corrugated Cage, made up of wavy, barely
separated black bars sits amid the plush elegant, period
and Christmased-up surroundings of the mansion. With
their backs turned to the sickly squeals emerging from
the Playpen from Hell, Father and Mother, holding
martinis, look out a window of gentle snowfall, with
bloodshot eyes. A 50's-type radio warbles a Christmas
classic.
A strange pair of eyes peer from the cage. Taking the
point of view of the eyes from inside the playpen, one
sees the mansion's Christmas tree from between the dark
cage slats. The squealings stop.
AN ANGELIC CHILD in an undershirt and red boxer shorts
steps into view to block the Christmas tree. The Child
stares into the cage, his face contorting in horror.
MOTHER
Honey, don't stare at your brother.
The angelic child runs off. Mother and Father simultan-
eously finish off their martinis, and plop the empty
glasses down.
EXT. A PARK--THAT NIGHT
A HAPPY COUPLE in 50's dress, pushes a baby carriage
through the park cooing toward their bundle of joy inside.
Father and Mother straggle from the other direction,
creaking forward an ominously closed-up, wickedly de-
signed baby carriage that serves to muffle nasty whining
and thumping noises.
HAPPY COUPLE
Merry Christmas!
Father and Mother fake a smiling response that dies as
the happy couple passes. They then brake at the railing
of a storybook bridge over a bubbling brook. With dark
nonchalance, Father and Mother each grab an end of the
carriage and heave it upward.
EXT. THE CARRIAGE--NIGHT
swirls in the air and splashes down into the small river.
Right side up, the carriage gently rides the tranquil
rapids. It bobs through an open sewer tunnel pipe.
INT. THE SEWER--NIGHT
The carriage innocently slides through the murky waters
of the awesomely cavernous and creepy sewer, softly
surfing its sides.
INT. A DARK LAIR--NIGHT
The resilient carriage spews from a gaping pipe into a
moat of water that surrounds a vast patch of snow and
ice that is the centerpiece of a dark and mysterious
lair.
The carriage rides a small wave that tumbles it onto the
sanctuary's arctic island. From out of the darkness of
the lair, FOUR STATUESQUE EMPEROR PENGUINS WITH
DISTINGUISHED GRAY BELLIES regally approach the
carriage and surround it with spooky authority.
FROM OUT OF THE DARKNESS OF THE OPENING CREDITS WE
GO TO...
EXT. A STORE--EARLY EVENING OF THE CURRENT ERA
where the Batman logo fills the frame with a portentous
soundtrack boom. A playful salvo of snowballs reverber-
ates against this image as the logo is revealed to be a
hanging centerpiece in the window of a Batman merchandis-
ing store, along with Batman sleds, lunch boxes,
T-shirts, and ticking clocks.
EXT. GOTHAM PLAZA--EARLY EVENING
Bathed in pristine snow and packed with GIDDY SHOPPERS,
POINSETTIA GRASPING LOVERS, BLESSED CAROLERS, and an
overwhelming array of Christmas decoration, the intimate
Plaza center of Gotham City has been dragged kicking and
screaming into a state of beauty and happiness.
A vivid electronic teletype reads: HAVE A MERRY ONE,
GOTHAM CITY! YOU DESERVE IT! FOUR SHOPPING DAYS
LEFT, GO-GO-GO!
Meeting up before a bustling department store called
SHRECK'S, an AGGRESSIVELY ALL-AMERICAN DAD holds up a
bowed Batman sled to an ALL-AMERICAN MOM. An ALL-
AMERICAN SON rushes up causing All-American Dad to
exaggeratedly hide the present behind his back to the
sweetly hooting delight of All-American Mom.
Just behind them, an ADORABLE LITTLE GIRL takes a dollar
from her precious little purse and gives it to a
SALVATION ARMY SANTA. A sweet, microphoned voice wafts
out over the Plaza.
SWEET MICROPHONED VOICE (O.S.)
Could I have your attention, Gotham
City?
EXT. FROM AN ELEVATED STAGE AT THE CENTER OF THE
PLAZA--EVENING
A dewy-eyed young lovely, wearing a snow bunny fur,
a tiara, and a banner streamed across her chest
that reads ICE PRINCESS, continues into her mike.
ICE PRINCESS
It's time for tonight's Lighting
of the Tree! How 'bout that!
The merrily promenading Consumers of Gotham City stop
to joyously beam up to the stage to watch the Ice
Princess scurry to a massive Red Button and press it
down. This action causes a mammouth Christmas Tree to
grandiosely come to light. The hypnotized crowd erupts
into aashs and oohs.
INT. A VERTICAL SEWER GRATE--EVENING
Through a grand, vertical half-circle sewer grate, an
older stranger pair of eyes peer. Taking the point of
view of the eyes through the grate slats, one takes in
the sight of the mammouth lit Christmas Tree, just as it
did through the Playpen bars.
THE VOICE OF PENGUIN
It is so beautiful, I could die.
I must have been born around
Christmas time, because every year
I get the same intense desires to
scream, cry, and freely engage in
violent bodily eruptions.
EXT. OUTSIDE THE SEWER GRATE--EVENING
A sickly duo of black, webbed hands curl out around the
grate bars. Eerily poking out next is a twisted bird-
like nose and a creepy pair of lips...
PENGUIN'S LIPS
Gosh, I guess I should really get
out more...
The planet's most beloved butler, ALFRED, marches past
the sewer grate carrying a ludicrously wrapped object
that is shaped like a mini-Tyrannosauras Rex. He moves
to the parked Wayne Rolls-Royce and pulls off a ticket
from the windshield with a huff.
A PAPERBOY bustles up, holding up a newspaper headlined
PENGUIN: MAN OR MYTH OR SOMETHING WORSE?
PAPERBOY
Sir, read about the latest sighting
of the Penguin creature! Says here
he derailed a Trolley car into a
modeling school for Gifted Children
and then blew up a church where...
ALFRED
Dear Boy, sometimes it is a pleasure
to believe in fairy tales. Other
times it is merely annoying...
Alfred cheerfully shakes his head as the Paperboy
scampers off. Alfred suddenly feels a chill coming
behind him. He turns to the sewer grate just as the
slimy flippers recoil back away.
INT. INSIDE THE SEWER GRATE--EVENING
His back turned to the viewer and wearing a black, thick,
full-length, and grimily wraith-like coat-cape, PENGUIN
pulls back from the grate. He is lowered down from the
grate to the sewer floor by a Rubber Duck Scissor-Lift
Buggy apparatud being cranked by TWO DWARVES.
An eerily attentive gauntlet of wildly intense SOCIAL
PIRATES, listens upward on either side of the macabre
sewer tunnel--Depraved workers from a long since bank-
rupted carnival. Unvibrantly made-up and demeanored
CLOWNS who have never made anyone laugh brush up against
STEELY DAMES in tight, tattered, and faded Magician
Assistant Costumes. All members of the gang have a RED
TRIANGLE painted over their left eye.
PENGUIN
Look out and behold the joyous
faces. All the wonderful smiles.
I wish there was a way to keep
all those wonderful smiles...
The fleshy-beaked Penguin grandly turns to reveal himself
in his squat, quivering, quasi-mutant glory.
PENGUIN
in a jar...where I could shake
them up and watch them turn into
mushy goo...Oh my outcast friends,
I am about to become Gotham City's
best nightmare.
Penguin elegantly opens up an umbrella to pass beneath
a sewer drip. He flicks open an ornately odd timepiece
that reads twenty minutes until seven.
PENGUIN
This city is one big happy
family....for about twenty more
minutes. My previous crimes were
party favors. Tonight, Gotham
gets a real present.
Penguin lets off a homely squawk of laughter and juts
forward through his chilling carny co-horts, who fall
into line behind him.
EXT. BEFORE SHRECK'S DEPARTMENT STORE--NIGHT
AN ELEGANT GOTHAMCLOCK clacks to 15 till. A Limousine,
passing beneath it, incongruously bearing a cutesy cat
logo, rumbles to a stop before the Shreck store.
Emerging out the limo is MAX SHRECK, the charismatic
Master of Gotham City. A smattering of flashbulbs
explode upon his placidly smiling face. Max is the
quintessential Upstanding Citizen, owner of everything
except perhaps a soul.
Following Max out is a legal pad scribbling, file
grasping SELINA KYLE, his beautiful beneath bifocals and
a subdued haircut assistant, along with a blindingly
grinning yuppie superhero CHIP, muscles on the verge of
shredding open his Brooks Brothers suit.
Max doles a gleefully robotic array of handshakes and
waves, culminating in a slap to the Salvation Army
Santa's back. He wings a twenty in Mr. Kringle's coffer
as T.V. REPORTER BIX CARBONDALE.
BIX CARBONDALE
Hello, Mr. Shreck, Bix Carbondale,
Goth TV. Our viewers want to know
what the man who has everything
wants for Christmas?
MAX
Clinches. Bix, I want clinches
for Christmas. Peace in Gotham.
Love between all Men and Woman.
Understanding.
The small crowd applauds. Selina bobbles out a sheet
of paper from a file, into a sewer grate. Chip shakes
his head.
INT. BELOW IN THE SEWER--NIGHT
The sheet wobbles down to a sea of looking up through the
darkness faces. Penguin's is in the middle, seething
upwards at the grandstanding atop the grate Max.
PENGUIN
Peace and Love and--oh, what I
wouldn't give to be able to vomit
upward. I, I must be getting
sentimental. So many fools in
Gotham City and I only want to kill
one of them, and it's not even
Batman. I despise Max Shreck more
than the city itself, because he
is the city itself. He wants
Clinches for Christmas? How about
smug, powerful businessman turned
into squealing jelly by
misunderstood monster.
EXT. TOP OF THE SHRECK BUILDING--NIGHT
The viewer goes from the bottom to the top. The top
floor of the building housing the department store is
a tower of Ivory with a large, friendly sentinel of
a cat at its tippy top.
A group of men stand in the window of it, pointing down
to the Plaza below.
INT. MAX SHRECK'S OUTER OFFICE--NIGHT
The Men staring down at Max are THE MAYOR and HIS
STAFF. A Shreck Cat Logo Clock on the wall loudly
clicks to 7:50.
HEAD STAFFER
Mr. Mayor, how do you think Shreck
is going to react when you tell
him "No" on the chemical plant.
I'm not sure he's exactly heard
that word before. He might not
know what it means.
MAYOR
Max isn't just Gotham's primary
business investor, he's my friend.
My pal. And he'll respect my
decision as Mayor...God, my city
is beautiful.
EXT. THE MERCHANDISING STORE--NIGHT
The multitude of ticking Batwing clocks click toward
seven o'clock. TWO BEAT COPS roam up before the window.
BEAT COP ONE
So the woman said she felt a cold
clammy flipper on her neck. When
she awoke, she saw this thing with
a nose that...
BEAT COP TWO
Man, no more Penguin stories. Let
Batman worry about it.
A LURID VOLUPTUOUS WOMAN with a massive Cindy Crawford
mole times 90, in a long coat, sashays toward the uncom-
fortably transfixed cops. She holds a large open compact
over her face and pulls out some lipstick. From out the
back of her coat, two PYTHONS slide down the backs of her
legs.
INT. MAX SHRECK'S CONFERENCE ROOM--NIGHT
The Mayor and his staff scurry behind Max as he pushes
open an imposing set of tall doors revealing his confer-
ence room in its tech-noir splendor. On the wall are
the words SHRECK CORPORATION and a logo of the friendly
cat, along with a teletype that blows stock numbers by
at an amusingly-impossible-for-a-real-human-to-read rate.
MAX SHRECK
Sorry to keep you waiting, Mayor.
How's the family? And your
dachshund? King is his name, no?
MAYOR
Uh, fine. We're all fine, well,
actually the vet says my dog...
Max slides open a piece of an oddly O-shaped conference
table and goes on to a bizarre chair in the open middle
--part sci-fi, part Dentist. Max electronically spins
the chair to whoever he addresses. Everyone hustles into
seats around him.
MAX
How interesting. You remember my
assistant Selina Kyle, and of
course, Chip.
SELINA
.....hi.....
CHIP
Gentlemen, I have the feeling we're
about to make some serious cabbage.
SELINA
(gulping courage)
Before we get started, I was
wondering if we could address the
Education Initiative...
The men at the table gaze to Selina in dumbfounded
silence. Max smoothly breaks it.
MAX SHRECK
Before "we" start, I think our
coffee needs to be addressed.
CHIP
(super-smug)
Double Expresso pour moi.
Selina gloomily backs out the door to the calls of "Me
too", "Make mine a cappuccino" and "Do you have Decaf?"
SELINA
But uh...
MAX SHRECK
Selina. Go away. Do not fret,
gentlemen, if our meeting goes
well, I'll let you watch me spank
her.
INT. OUTER OFFICE--NIGHT
Selina cringes at the subsequent laughter as a gleeful
Chip slams the door behind her. Alone, by her desk,
Selina begins to bang her forehead with the palm of her
hand.
SELINA
You stupid corn dog. Corn dog.
Corn dog. Corn dog.
She sullenly scribbles "Obey" on a post-it pad which
she then sticks on the edge of her computer beside a
garden of other girlishly masochistic post-its like
"Don't Have a Sense of Humor," and "Save it for your
diary,". She sadly gnaws a piece of licorice from
a package labeled MAX and sighs out ther window to get a
strange glimpse of a GIANT, WRAPPED, RED-BOWED PRESENT
puttering between two buidings.
INT. THE CONFERENCE ROOM--NIGHT
Max spins to the Mayor. A Digital wall clock pings to
7:55.
MAX SHRECK
Barring anymore aggressive
embarrassment, I'd like to set a
start date for the construction
of my chemical plant.
The Mayor coughs into a response that must have sounded
better during its bathroom mirror practice. Max
confidently rises.
MAYOR
Max Shreck, my friend, you're the
pillar of this community. Pillar.
There is no citizen whom Gotham
values more. No citizen. Your
buildings, your stores, your
factories, your oil wells, your
licorice...
MAX SHRECK
Your point?
MAYOR
I've got to refuse permission on
the chemical plant construction.
Those environmentalists have
really been on my back. I just...
I'm so sorry, I'll make it up to
you, I'll...
His back turned to his guests, Max's pleasant demeanor
chills into a look of horror; his smile gone for the
first time. His naked glare of betrayal dies into a
calm three second blink.
Keeping his voice barely under control, he comforts the
sighing-in-relief Mayor and his staff. While speaking,
Max reaches to an open MUSIC BOX THAT PLAYS NO MUSIC.
A ballerina figure typically spins on top, but an odd
arrangement of needles stick out of the exposed innards
of the box. Max twists one of the needles.
MAX SHRECK
Please, Mayor, don't drool. Or
apologize. I appreciate your
honesty. I mean, it is not the
first time we have had a
disagreement.
(turning and smiling)
Golly, actually it is, isn't it?
MAYOR
(enthusiastically
consoling)
But I'm sure it's going to be
the last time!
MAX SHRECK
(clenched teeth)
You're right.
Max's shuddering is distracted by the noise of a wowed
crowd outside his window. Everyone bounds up to peek
out....
EXT. GOTHAM PLAZA--NIGHT
The Gargantuan Christmas Present is rolling into the
Plaza. Gothamites continue to gasp in wonder.
THE ADORABLE LITTLE GIRL
It's the mostest prettiest thing
I've ever....
BY THE WAYNE ROLLS ROYCE--NIGHT
Alfred gives his wrapped dinosaur a last fierce and
painstaking push to get it into his trunk. Slamming the
trunk hood down, Alfred looks to the big present. He
is wary. The alarms on the nearby store's Batman clocks
go off at seven o' clock.
INT. SEWER--NIGHT
Hearing the excited murmurs of the crowd above, Penguin
grins and barks into his headset that has the
meticulously crude flavor of a Renaissance contraption.
PENGUIN
Deck the halls.
EXT. THE PLAZA--NIGHT
One can make out motorcycle wheels churning beneath the
box and even some moving feet when suddenly the front
of the box tears open. With a rebel yell, the sour
creme de la creme of the GANG of SURLY CARNIVAL DENIZENS
WITH RED TRIANGLES OVER THEIR LEFT EYES blitzkrieg the
crowd, including the All-American Family. A pack of
disturbingly leathered and helmeted BIKERS on Demonhead
motorcycles with spiked-for-ice wheels joybuzz forth.
EXT. THE MERCHANDISING STORE--NIGHT
The Lurid Woman snaps down her compact to reveal she
has lipsticked a red triangle over her left eye.
BEAT COP ONE
The Red Triangle Circus Gang!
The Beat cops freak and reach for their guns, only to
each find a python slithering up their leg.
EXT. THE PLAZA--NIGHT
Also scrambling out are TWO SNEERING BALD MEN, who wear
massive BLADE TIPS encrusted atop their bare skulls like
Industrial Mohawks. A ragged SWORD SWALLOWER struts
forward tugging an excaliber from his salivating mouth.
A YOUNGER SURLY PUNK appears wearing a lightly smoking
neon sign, blinking the word CIRKUS, as a humongous
chain necklace over his chest.
A STRONGMAN COVERED IN TATTOOS swipes the precious purse
of the Adorable Little Girl and swallows it in one gulp.
An appearing Alfred pushes him away and races off with
the Little Girl.
The Carolers flitter off, shell-shocked. They absurdly
continue to sing their carol in a frightened tone of
voice.
The last one to emerge from the surrogate Trojan horse
is a scowling creep in RINGMASTER garb--long black
boots, tight white pants, along with a flowing scarf.
He wears painted red triangles over his entire face and
atop his head is the same bizarre headset Penguin wears.
He casually elbows Santa to the ground.
RINGMASTER
Ringmaster to Penguin. They love
the present. My gang won't let
you down.
INT. THE SEWER--NIGHT
Penguin savors the bedlam, dancing to the shrieks.
EXT. THE PLAZA--NIGHT
The Batman sled slams against a police car windshield.
A disgruntled COMMISSIONER GORDON sputters out into
his radio.
GORDON
What are you waiting for? Turn
it on!....Turn on the Light.
EXT. THE GOTHAM SKY--NIGHT
THE RENOWNED BAT BEACON blazes onto the edge of the
night.
INT. WAYNE MANOR--NIGHT
The Bat Beacon can be seen through an elegant mansion
window. Its reflection is picked up in an ornate mirror
in the massive living room and then followed to another
strategically set up mirror. The reflection glows
against the face of a sitting-in-darkness Bruce Wayne.
He moves out of the light.
INT. THE SEWER--NIGHT
Penguin gazes through the grate to behold the beacon in
the sky.
PENGUIN
Well, it's about time. Ooh, I'm
so scared. Come on, Batman, you
posterboy sell-out. I'm the real
thing and you're just a gym
EXT. THE PLAZA--NIGHT
A fleeing Ice Princess shoves an Elderly Woman to the
ground.
Various Red Triangle Circus Gang members sack the out-
skirts of Shreck's department store, swiping goods and
rearranging the window displays in obscene fashion. The
head of a Mrs. Claus mannequin is belted into an oven.
The Massive Teletype reads: TIS THE SEASON TO BE
JOLLY...
TERRIFYING CLOWNS scramble atop some wheeled Scaffolding
(that houses the stage lights) and thunder quasi-antique
artillery into the Christmas tree, blasting off ornaments
and lights. The Knifeskulled Men savagely bow down and
cut cables running up to the tree, cutting off its
brilliant light.
The Massive Teletype reads: FA LA LA LA LA ---- LA LA LA
LA.
INT. THE CONFERENCE ROOM--NIGHT
The Mayor drops his jaw along with the other men at the
window.
MAYOR
Oh beautiful, I'm going to get
blamed for this.
EXT. THE PLAZA--NIGHT
Ringmaster and some of his co-horts stand back and laugh
at the chaos. Their mirth is slowly strangled by the
dreaded sound of a supersonically humming engine. The
Innocent and the Profane stop beating and being beaten
to look to the increasing engine noise.
The Batmobile rockets toward the viewer, the bat beacon
reflecting off the windshield. The viewer's viewpoint
moves through the windshield to face the harshly concen-
trating BATMAN!
Making its megagrand entrance, the Batmobile plows
through the gargantuan, opened present, shredding it to
pieces.
Batman slams down a lever.
Oblong strips of the Batmobile sprout out from the
vehicle's sides, like wings, to ferociously trip up
darting past bikers and viciously lovetap various
carnival hoodlums into spiraling upward unconsciousness.
Many Red Triangle Circus Gang Members, snarling minutes
before, run away in hysteria. The Sword Swallower re-
devours his sword and the Lurid Snake Charmer Dame
scoops up her pythons.
The Terrifying Clown gunmen fire frantically down from
the scaffolding as the Batmobile rams the wheeled
platform from the back and drives it closer and closer
toward the Batman merchandising store. THUGS IN NOVELTY
NOSE AND GLASSES fulminate bullets at the back of the
buffeting Batmobile.
Batman brakes the Batmobile. The Inertia-ed Scaffolding
fiercely slams into the store, sending the Terrifying
Clowns violently smashing down upon the memorabilia.
Batman twists a square black Knob. A powerful STEEL
JACK-TYPE DEVICE jets out the bottom of the Batmobile and
barber-seats the vehicle up off the ground. The
Batmobile does a sharp 180 degree spin on the jack to
face the firing thugs. Batman re-twists the knob. The
jack slams back up into the Batmobile as the vehicle
charges toward the novelty Bespectacled Gunmen.
INT. THE SEWER--NIGHT
A Bashed Gunmen slams down upon the sewer grate into the
suddenly depressed Penguin's viewpoint.
PENGUIN
(into head-set)
Batman! Who invited him anyway?
Ringmaster, don't panic! Just
remember he's just some guy with
a better costume. Complete your
mission. We caused this chaos
for a reason! To get Max
Shreck!
EXT. THE PLAZA--NIGHT
Ringmaster dashes off toward the Shreck building, waving
along the Neon Necklaced Punk, and the Knifeskulls.
RINGMASTER
Oh yeah....Come on, men, we
gotta get that Shreck guy.
With a cackle, the CIRKUS flashing punk gives a STRAY
BLACK CAT an arching kick. The cat lands on his feet,
giving the passing gang members a means-business glower.
EXT. INT. THE BATMOBILE--NIGHT
With a joystick, Batman raises out a Gatlin-style gun,
from the Batmobile, that fires out a wild, artistically
modulated set of steel pieces, chunks, and arrows. With
ridiculous precision, the steel projectiles slam through
the spokes of the terrorizing motorcycles upending them
and their riders into nasty convulsions.
Batman focuses upon the Tattooed Strongman angrily
chasing Alfred and the Little Girl. He maneuvers the
joystick that controls the steel spewing apparatus.
BATMAN
Alfred, you rogue...
A steel star thunks into the back of the Strongman's
head, crumpling him to the ground. Alfred stops to
broadly beam at the passing Batmobile.
EXT. BEHIND THE STAGE--NIGHT
Batman steers behind the stage and bounds out. He
activates the security cloak over the Batmobile.
INT. THE SHRECK CONFERENCE ROOM--NIGHT
The Mayor beams.
MAYOR
I'm gonna get credit for this!
INT. THE OUTER OFFICE--NIGHT
A spooked Selina turns from the window to the sight and
sound of the outer office doors heaving in and out from
unseen ramming. She swerves toward the conference room.
A bullet neatly destructs the left heel of her high heel
shoe.
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM--NIGHT
Everyone freezes toward the commotion going outside the
tall conference room doors. Chip takes off and folds
his blazer, with a laugh of superiority.
CHIP
Gentlemen, don't be afraid.
He cockily strides toward the noises when the doors slam
open, crunching him out cold. Ringmaster and company
scramble into the room. Neon Necklace is holding
Selina.
MAX SHRECK
Gentlemen, let's be afraid.
(regarding inert
Chip)
Somebody is not getting a
Christmas bonus. Good help is
hard to...I'm sorry, can I help
you?
RINGMASTER
Definitely. We're here to
kidnap the man who runs Gotham
City.
MAYOR
Oh no, please....
The Mayor and his staff break for the door. The
Knifeskulls shove their skullblades against the necks of
two of them. Neon flicks out a cumbersomely quirky stun-
gun that has a stream of laser going from one skull
ornament on one side of the gun to another skull on the
other. He stuns the Mayor to his knees.
RINGMASTER
(laughing, into
headset)
Did you hear that? The Mayor
thought we were talking about
him!
INT. THE SEWER--NIGHT
The Penguin squawks in laughter.
MAX
Priceless! Tell Max he's raw
scuzz and the epitome of the evil
of banality...
INT. THE CONFERENCE ROOM--NIGHT
Ringmaster shoves on a pair of unusual brass knuckles.
Protruding out of each knuckle is a small red fluid-
filled syringe half.
RINGMASTER
Max, you are raw scuzz and the
epit--
(to headset)
What was that second part?
INT. SEWER--NIGHT
Penguin quietly simmers.
PENGUIN
Pinhead. Just. Lock away the
Mayor. And bring Max down here
now!
EXT. THE PLAZA--NIGHT
With a loud crack, Batman head-butts a rising up Biker
back down to the ground. A gauntlet of drained
bystanders and snapshooting Tourists cheer. Commissioner
Gordon sidles up beside Batman, huffing to keep pace
with the determinedly walking forward hero.
GORDON
Thanks for the assistance,
Batman.
(with a good-natured
huff)
Thanks for doing everything and
making us look like idiots. So
it's the Red Triangle Circus Gang.
Three years ago, their carnival
went out of business and...
BATMAN
I know who they are. They've
improved.
GORDON
The leaders are in the Shreck
building. The Mayor and Max
himself are up there. Do you
need any...
BATMAN
No.
GORDON
But you can't just...
BATMAN
Yes.
Batman quickens his pace, leaving Gordon and his words
behind. He gives Alfred a subtle smile on his way to the
Shreck building.
EXT. BEHIND THE STAGE--NIGHT
Another straggly squadron of Carnival creeps, including
the Dwarves, ninja out from under a manhole and crawl
toward the Batmobile.
A BAREFOOT WAIF IN PRE-FAIRY GODMOTHER CINDERELLA
RAGS, and with a dirty bandage over one eye, climbs
atop the Security cloak with a fascinatingly crude laser
device.
The waif dexterously jimmies the laser and with a whoosh,
the shield sputters off. Everyone eerily commences snap-
ping pictures including the Penguin, poking his head out
of the manhole.
PENGUIN
Oh Batman, what you don't know,
won't hurt me...
INT. SHRECK BUILDING HALLWAY--NIGHT
Neon Necklaced Punk holds his aggressively unique stun
gun on Selina, pushing her down the hall. She awkwardly
hobbles on one heel.
NEON NECKLACED PUNK
Move it, low-life secretary...
SELINA
I prefer low-life assistant,
thank you. I probably should
just shut up, but you know, this
was a very serious pair of shoes
you ruined. Couldn't you have
just been a prince and broken my
jaw? My body will heal, but this
was the last pair left in my
size.
(with revealed
anger)
Oh, and next time, Scooter,
remember to shoot the other heel.
With her existing heel, Selina slams out into Neonpunk's
knee, knocking the stun gun out of his hand onto a nearby
carpet and him to the ground.
He seethes in sync to his flashing Neon necklace then
bolts up toward the stun gun on the center when suddenly
the carpet is viciously pulled out from under him,
somersaulting him into a vivid sparking heap.
Selina breathlessly turns to see Batman at the end of
the carpet. He begins to roll it up, semi-oblivious to
Selina's tentatively delirious verbiage.
SELINA
Cheap but effective. How are you
with pies and banana peels?
There's more of them, coming
around....Like the carpet, huh?
A collector? Wow, the Batman--
or is it just Batman. You look
a lot better in person...I,
I'm...
BATMAN
Nice shoes.
Batman hands a stunned Selina the stun gun and hoists up
the rolled-up carpet, charging off.
EXT. BEHIND THE STAGE--NIGHT
The Batmobile's hood is up and its doors are open.
Penguin's disciples continue to whisk around the
Batmobile like paparazzi, flashing their cameras.
INT. ANOTHER HALLWAY CORRIDOR--NIGHT
A convoy lead by the two Knifeskulls swaggers out from
Shreck's office. Ringmaster holds his syringe knuckles
against Max's neck.
RINGMASTER
How does it feel to know you're
going to...
MAX
Please...You're a pimple and I'm
a respected face. I give you five
minutes.
The rolled up carpet whooshes up in the air and smack dab
impales itself on the blades of the Knifeskulls, locking
them together. Batman, with a fist a piece, violently
bashes them over.
MAX
Make it two.
RINGMASTER
You really think you can take me
down, Mr. man-bat?
BATMAN
Sure.
RINGMASTER
One move and...
Batman gunslingers out his grapple speargun. The wired
hook deftly smashes the syringes off Ringmaster's
knuckles. Red fluid from the syringes splashes onto
Ringmaster's hand. He howls and hobbles as Batman
saunters toward him, reeling in his gun.
BATMAN
Sh-h-h...
In one swift-straight arm gesture, Batman shoves the
Ringmaster's skull into the wall, cracking the headset
with a quick whine.
EXT. BEHIND THE STAGE--NIGHT
Penguin furiously yanks off his now also whining headset.
BATMAN
Imbeciles. I knew I should have
hired a better gang... Hey, it's
a wrap.
Penguin's people stop their shutterbugging. The
Batmobile hood is slammed shut and the Waif reactivates
the security shield as the gang scrambles back into the
manhole.
INT. THE HALLWAY--NIGHT
Ringmaster finally collapses out of the wall. Batman
steps before his dropping body. Max reaches out for a
firm handshake.
MAX SHRECK
Batman. You certainly live up to
your hype. I hope I am not being
overly immodest in saying that
this is your finest hour. By
saving me, you have saved the
city.
MAYOR
(bustling up)
Good evening, Caped Crusader! I
never tire of watching you work.
With me in the front office and
you on the streets, we are one
unstoppable crimefighting team.
(to Max)
Let's get some shots of the three
of us...
The babbling Mayor is silenced as he turns to see that
Batman is nowhere to be seen.
EXT. THE SHRECK BUILDING--NIGHT
An exhausted, quivering Selina wobbles out of the
building with a sigh. She compassionately bends down
to the black cat that was kicked earlier and picks it
up. She shambles out through the devastation that was
once a winter wonderland.
Max and Chip next saunter from the building, politely
beaming to snapping flashbulbs. Max shakes some more
hands and accepts some congratulatory arm squeezes.
BIX CARBONDALE
How do you feel, Mr. Shreck?
MAX
Boy Bix, I just want to curl up
with some cocoa and watch this
craziness on the news.
The bystanders and camera crews chuckle as Max and Chip
march off toward the Shreck limousine. Max's smile de-
materializes.
MAX
I'm in a bad mood. Remind me to
take it out on everyone.
Stepping forward to the limo, Max and Chip FALL THROUGH
AN OPENING SEWER GRATE AND COMPLETELY OUT OF SIGHT.
INT. SELINA'S APARTMENT--LATER IN THE NIGHT
Selina lowers a dish of milk to her new cat, calling
out.
SELINA
Honey, I'm home!.....Oh that's
right, I'm not married.
She wearily laughs at her private joke then takes in a
view of her 90's quaint, too-protectively-feminine apart-
ment -- pink carpet, a neon "HELLO SELINA" on the wall,
a meticulously ornate doll house, a cactus in a pink pot,
a sewing-needles-in-progress quilt, a paltry Christmas
tree, and a pretty embarrassing assortment of stuffed
animals. The cat purrs.
SELINA
What did you just purr, Miss Kitty?
"How can anyone be so pathetic?"
Yeah, well, takes years of hard
work, unappreciated hard work. At
least I got to meet Batman, eh?
She absently triggers her new stun gun on and off then
raises up a tiny remote square and fires it at her
answering machine. As the voice of a STERN MOTHER fills
the air, Selina tidys up her place. She retrieves Diet
Cola cans and Shreck Yogurt cartons passing childhood
pictures of a YOUNGER HAPPIER SELINA on a trampoline, on
a horse, and on the side of a mountain.
STERN MOTHER'S VOICE
Selina. This is your Mother,
just calling to say Hello...
SELINA
Yeah, right...."But..."
MOM'S VOICE
"But" I'm disappointed you're not
coming home for Christmas. I was
looking forward to discussing your
life. I mean really, why you
insist on living in Gotham City
alone...
Selina casually squeezes up her remote to fast forward
the machine. As the Cat compassionately snuggles up
beside her to the sound of her lame boyfriend, Selina
kneels down to do some minute tooling on the rooms of her
precious doll house.
LAME BOYFRIEND'S VOICE
Selina, about that Christmas
getaway we planned, I think we
should break up instead. I'm not
afraid anymore to say I need a
woman who's going to treat me like
a hero, not a zero. I...
SELINA
(hurt
fast-forwarding)
Wow, the party never stops on
Selina Kyle's machine? I guess
I should have let him win that
racquetball game.
Selina clomps into her kitchenette and turns on a faucet
that wildly sprays out in all directions as her own voice
comes on.
SELINA'S OWN VOICE
Hi Selina, this is yourself
calling. I'm reminding you that
you better have brought home the
Bruce Wayne file to work on,
because Max Slavemaster is meeting
with him tomorrow.
Wet and angry, Selina drops her remote and instead fires
her stun gun on the answering machine, shutting it off.
She again starts banging her forehead with her palm.
SELINA
The File. You stupid corn dog.
Corn dog. Corn dog. Corn dog...
(putting on coat)
You black cats are for real, aren't
you?
EXT. THE GROUNDS OF THE OLD GOTHAM ZOO--NIGHT
The viewer plunges through the decrepit gates of a stag-
gering, abandoned zoo--a centerpiece of a perverse
World's Fair of another world. Snow-covered cages and
pits that seem more terrifying empty than if filled with
ferocious beasts.
The viewer connects up with a determinedly trotting,
RATTY, SPIKY-HAIRED POODLE, wearing a strange pair of
goggles. The Poodle's hair rises as he passes A SEEDY
AND DECREPIT, BUT IMPRESSIVELY MAMMOTH AND COMPLEX POWER
STATION, that crackles with frayed wires.
The Poodle swerves before a rickety rollercoaster that
has three shoddy and malignant, Animal-motifed carts put-
tering up different stages of the dilapidated track. An
aberrant cross section of brids ride on one of them.
The Poodle swings toward the light of a cave lined with
sparkling snow and ice and into....
INT. PENGUIN'S LAIR--NIGHT
The Lair where the Penguin baby found his home is now
seen to be less dark, but still overpoweringly dramatic
and bizarre. The track of the zoo's rickety roller-
coaster curls through the grotto.
The cart full of birds rumbles through with its winged
passengers flying off to join others flapping around.
A large squalid cage. Strange scaffolding half covers
an enormous "Mission Control" panel that has been hodge-
podged together with the flagrantly weird, idiosyncratic
technology. Actual penguins of every size (except the
gray bellied Emperors) heedlessly horseplay in the icy
moat.
The Ratty Poodle takes his place at a large block of ice
that serves as a conference table. Gabbing around the
table are the familiarly bonechilling survivors of the
Unwashed Carnival Creeps.
Everyone shuts up and goes into a standing ovation as
Penguin rides out of the lair's vast, gaping sewer pipe
in his Rubber Duck that now acts as a boat. The
Tattooed Strongman is holding Max Shreck and Chip in
behind him.
PENGUIN
We have distinguished guests.
Please make them feel at home...
The Circus Creeps go into shouts of "Boo" and "Can we
torture them now" while pelting snowballs, ice airplanes
and novelty gadgets at the beleaguered businessmen. Max
begins to sit down at a chair at the end of the Ice
conference table. Dwarf One pulls the chair out from
under him. Max crashes to the ground. The gang explodes
in laughter and the dwarf does a cute little bow.
The moodily pondering and freezing Max cautiously reseats
himself. Chip makes a break. The Bearded Lady breaks off
an Ice stalagmite and knee-caps him to the ground.
As Penguin snarls at Max, he is handed an array of sadis-
tic umbrellas, which he casually tries and discards.
One shoots out a flame, one pokes out a sword tip, one
causes a goofy spinning hypno-vertigo swirl effect,
another shoots a blast acid that melts through the middle
of the table. Max loses composure, shivering and
sweating.
PENGUIN
Up there, Max, you're the master
of Gotham City. Down here, the
poodle gets a better parking
space.
You see, I hear your speeches
about protecting the community,
then see you dump toxic waste into
the sewers. I listen through a
sewer grate to you promising one
thing, then see you through a
ventilator shaft doing another
thing. Don't get me wrong. I
got nothing against being a two-
faced weasel, or even dumping toxic
waste -- Stuff works good on rat
bites...
MAX
Oh really, I didn't....
PENGUIN
Shut up. It's just, why do you
get to be a man of the people and
I have to be the boogeyman. It's
not fair!
A SMALL PENGUIN BIRD wobbles atop the table and stops to
squawk-babble at Penguin.
PENGUIN
You can say I'm jealous. You can
say I'm bitter. In ten seconds,
you're going to say a lot of
things... in a high pitched voice...
(swerving to little penguin)
Wha-a-a-t!
(listening)
Oh....Try the closet in the back
of the lair.
The penguin wobbles away. Penguin tentatively growls
back at Max.
PENGUIN
I....I lost my place?
MAX
You were implying that I will be
screaming in a high pitched...
PENGUIN
Yeah, but don't worry, Max, I'm
not going to kill you. I'm just
going to freeze you for 200 years
until they find a cure for rich
uppity snob powermongers.
(good natured laughter)
I'm only kidding....I'm going to
kill you.
Lighting up a cigarette in a cigarette holder much like
his father's, Penguin moves forward with the sword
umbrella. Everyone else at the table pulls forth a
perverse weapon. A particularly large bead of sweat
rolls down Max's face. Coming out of a sage three second
blink, Max regards the cigarette holder then reaches out
with his tongue and licks off the bead.
MAX
You're not going to do anything
to me, Penguin.
PENGUIN
Oh, I'm not? Okay, well, if you
put it that way. Jeepers.
Penguin rears back for a decapitating swing.
MAX
Why fight the power, Penguin, when
you can become it.
Penguin slightly lowers his malevolent pose. Max stands
up and speaks faster.
MAX
You despise the way this city is
run. So do I. Tonight, the
current Mayor.... disappointed me.
I'd like to see more of a...
free thinker in his place.
PENGUIN
Me? The New Mayor? In case you
hadn't noticed, I'm a mutant with
a bad temper.
MAX
You're too hard on yourself.
Gotham has no conception of
Morality, only Celebrity. This
city loves visuals. Look at
Batman. Any other city and he
would be in an institution or our
there doing singing telegrams.
Here, he is a hero. You and the
Mayor standing at the same podium
-- I know where I'm aiming my
camera.
Penguin lets his umbrella sword drop to the floor.
Sensing Penguin's change of heart, the Circus Creeps
re-conceal their weapons. An aching Chip stands beside
Max.
PENGUIN
Me? Mayor? I could walk down the
street and no one would laugh at
me or throw a big object at me?
Or make one of those jokes like,
"Did you hear that when Penguin
was born, the doctor came out and
the Father asked 'Doctor, doctor,
is it a boy or a girl?' The
doctor says "Guess again."
A Whinnying Clown laughs at the joke. Penguin, with
swift nonchalance, picks up one of the umbrellas and
slams the Clown back over his chair. Penguin glances
down to a stream of Da Vinciesque (One is of the big red
present).
PENGUIN
I could get Respect....would I
have to give up my hobbies?
MAX
Terrorizing innocent people and
committing heinous felonies? Not
at all. In fact, they'll come in
handy.
PENGUIN
It all sounds divine. Where do I
begin?
MAX
(starting to sit)
Anywhere but here. I think you've
mature past the Old Zoo hideout/
Lair thing. Let's talk about...
INT. MAX'S CONFERENCE ROOM--NIGHT
Max finishes sitting down, and his sentence, in his
groovy chair in the middle of his conference table.
Penguin stands on the table, being tugged into a full
tuxedo outfit by an Ultra-Stylish-and-Polished-to-the-
point-of-instantly-loathesome Man and Woman named PUNCH
AND JULIET. They smoothly fling hats and accessories on
and off the perplexed but flattered freak.
MAX
...the new Penguin. The horrifying
monster aspect of your personality
has been well communicated. My
image consultants Punch and Juliet
are going to bring out your more
Mayoral smile.
PUNCH
We love a challenge. Juliet, the
monocle? Too much?
PENGUIN
Oh how wonderful I...
JULIET
Stand still. And keep the
umbrella. It works for you.
White gloves over a cringing Penguin's webbed hands.
PENGUIN
These things really necessary?
They're so warm...Mr. Shreck
said Gotham likes visuals.
PUNCH
Gotham does like visuals, but
whoa, Pengo, come on...
JULIET
Not a lot of mirror action down
in the sewer I see...
PENGUIN
Hey, you post-yuppie-modern
punks...
MAX
Is there something we can do with
his name?..."The Penguin"...I mean,
no offense...
PUNCH
Hear ya. Our computers came up
with..."Oswald Cobblepot."
JULIET
Unapologetically quirky, but dignified.
PENGUIN
(touched)
A real name....Oswald Cobblepot.
It's as sweet as cotton candy on a
walrus's belly.
PUNCH
M-m-m-m. Good analogy. Tomorrow
the Mayor is going to hold a press
conference to say that you are a
slimy menace trying to tear the
city down into your private hell.
JULIET
You're going to prove to the people
and the media that he is wrong.
PENGUIN
But he's right...
MAX
That, is beside the point. I do
not seem to be getting across
the whole dual nature thing...
PENGUIN
Relax...
(malignant)
By night, I will cause deviously
demented crimes that will put the
city into a foaming frenzy. And
Batman into a retirement of putting
kids on his lap at car shows.
(holy)
By day, I'll cry out to the public
that I'm the only brave soul who
can come in and stop this wave of
deviously demented crimes. In a
way, I'll be the most honest
politician who ever lived.
MAX
By George, I think he's got it.
Punch and Juliet, leave an
itinerary for tomorrow.
Punch, Juliet, and the decked-out Penguin hop off the
table. Chip hobbles up to give Penguin an enormous money
bag. Punch and Juliet give him a file and a cheek kiss,
before strutting off.
PENGUIN
Wow, a non-sexual kiss from another
male. I feel so hip. And Juliet,
you don't think she'd ever, if she
was really drunk...
MAX
(rising up)
The money is to help with the
campaign.
PENGUIN
I mean, like really blotto...
MAX
I'll be giving you a checkbook so
you can pay off and keep in line
the Red Triangle Circus gang and
the rest of the city's scumbags
that you use for your crimewave.
I want this chaos to be organized
....Mr. Oswald Cobblepot.
Penguin squawks and gives a cringing Max a vigorous
hug.
PENGUIN
Oh, Max, buddy, to think I was
going to torture and maim you...
MAX
I'm sure going to miss that
wonderful laugh.
INT. OUTER OFFICE--NIGHT
The new Penguin gracefully parades through the outer
office. He makes a royal pause before a mirror. He
poignantly imitates the reactions of other people.
PENGUIN
Oswald Cobblepot..."Looking good,
Oswald." "Great game Oswald."
"Your table is ready, Mr. Cobblepot"
"This is hard to say, Mr.
Cobblepot, but I think I'm in
love with you..."
Penguin prances out of the office doors and moves off to
the left. Moments later, Selina Kyle huffs in from the
right. She goes to her desk and picks up a file labeled
BRUCE WAYNE. She allows herself a schwoof smile as Max
and Chip emerge from the conference room. She gives off
a wee gasp of surprise.
SELINA
(typically sheepish
babbling)
Oh wow, you scared...I came back
to get the Bruce Wayne file for
tomorrow. I put a reminder for
myself in my machine at home
because I usually check my messages
from work, but in all the
excitement tonight, I...
CHIP
She's lying...
SELINA
Pardonne, Chip...I'm what?
MAX
Selina Kyle. Did you happen to see
who I was chatting with? You see,
it's imperative I not be directly
connected with this person.
SELINA
I..didn't..I swear, Mr. Shreck, I
didn't see anything. Cross my
heart and hope to...Cross my
heart.
MAX
Put yourself in my position. I'm
a very respected man in the
community. If you're fibbing about
how much you've seen and heard
tonight, you could run off and hurt
me. You've been a very decent
assistant, Selina Kyle, but is
this a chance I can take?
SELINA
Yes?
MAX
(stepping forward)
Is your life as important as my
reputation?
SELINA
(stepping backward)
Maybe?
EXT. GOTHAM STREET--NIGHT
The Batmobile putters down a deserted Gotham street.
INT. BATMOBILE--NIGHT
Alfred's face comes on a screen in the Batmobile.
ALFRED (screen)
It is about time you came back,
you..
BATMAN
Soon. The Red Triangle Circus
Gang were always just cheap
thrillseekers. Silly. Easy.
Not tonight.
ALFRED
You do not think there is any
truth to this dark lord of the
gangs, this evil king of the
sewers...this Platypus Man, or
whatever he is..
BATMAN
Penguin.
ALFRED
Surely he is cheap tabloid
fabrication created to sell papers
to people who can't read...
BATMAN
That's what they said about me.
INT. THE OUTER OFFICE--NIGHT
Selina begins to leak a couple tears.
SELINA
What is this? How can you be so
mean to someone as meaningless as
me...Don't you see, Mr. Shreck,
that I am alive in here! I mean,
it's not like you can just kill
me...
MAX
Actually, it's a lot like that.
Tense silence. Max smirks into a chuckle. Selina
quivers out a wary smile and wrist wipes a tear as
Max touches her shoulder.
SELINA
Oh Mr. Shreck, you frightened...
Max savagely pushes Selina crashing out the window.
EXT. ALLEY--NIGHT
Selina swirls downward through shattering glass and snow-
flakes with tragic beauty. Her body slam spins around a
protruding horizontal American flagpole, before continu-
ing its White Christmas journey to the drifted gravel of
an alley.
Selina's eyes creak open to see the Batmobile obliviously
motor past the mouth of the alley.
SELINA
...stop...bat..man...
Her eyes close again. Selina's New Black Cat, of all
creatures, scampers up beside her quasi-corpse.
INT. THE OUTER OFFICE--NIGHT
Max and Chip looks down through the whistling window.
MAX
Let the police find her. Make
sure the funeral is on me.
CHIP
She wanted it.
Max and Chip stroll off from the window.
EXT. THE ALLEY--NIGHT
Other cats of every shape, color, and demeanor, from aw-
so-cute tabby to violent Tom ramble into view from
behind trash cans, boxes, and snow drifts.
Hypnotically led by Selina's black pal, the cats creep
from every direction toward the female Gulliver.
Selina's cat crawls up onto Selina's blouse and begins
to breathe into her mouth in an eerie feline C.P.R.
ballet.
A Siamese whispers in Selina's ear. White powder puff
kitties snuggle against the soles of her feet. The
malevolently scraggly Tom viciously bites her finger.
Selina's eyes fly open.
INT. SELINA'S APARTMENT--STILL LATER THAT NIGHT
Battered, bloodied, and clutching her stoic black cat,
Selina re-enters her apartment. She is the malevolent
antidote to her poignantly pleasant early evening and
previous life self. She auto-pilots to the sink and
turns the broken faucet on over her bloody finger. This
time, no water comes out at all.
She stares in unmoving, but torrid self-contemplation.
Then she explodes into vivid montage:
With a black spray paint can in each hand, Selina attacks
everything pink and eggshell--carpet, couch, wallpaper--
with brilliant nimbleness.
She flings her childhood pictures off the wall and
perfectly into a mini-bonfire (that includes her sad
Christmas tree) set up on her kitchen nook table.
She lustily shoves a stuffed unicorn into her garbage
disposal. The carnage of other ex-cute toy creatures
are spread about.
The black cat races about, purring in delight.
Selina unfurls her homemade quilt in a wicked spinning
dance.
With a sewing needle, she repeatedly stabs her doll's
house, annihilating the micro-detailed rooms. In close-up,
the rooms seem to be invaded by a giant silver missile.
With her bare hands, she sizzlingly tears the neon
E-L and A from SELINA, turning the neon HELLO, SELINA
into HELLO, SIN.
INT. THE NEXT MORNING--DAY
As the sun rises through the windows, Selina sits in a
lotus position on the floor of her very redone apartment.
She is wearing only a pink football jersey which has
been wickedly altered with black spray paint. She slides
a pristine bowl of milk to her content cat and speaks in
a sultry voice. Her Catwoman voice.
SELINA
I don't know about you, Miss
Kitty, but I feel so. Much.
Yummier.
INT. BATCAVE LABORATORY--MORNING
The sun continues to rise over the sleeping, sweating,
cocked-back head of Bruce Wayne through a small
batcave window. He is leaning on a chair situated
before a lab table teeming with beakers and bunsen
burners.
Flicking away his nightmare like an insect, Bruce immedi-
ately re-concentrates on an unfathomable experiment. He
pours a test tube of nasty red liquid into a beaker of
pleasant blue.
It turns into an almost glowing purple solution.
Bruce moves off from the table with a stark, black
palm-size rectangular object with a computer screen that
resembles a malevolent Gameboy. Bruce counts off to
five, then stops. At five, the beaker behind him
explodes.
INT. WAYNE MANOR LIVING ROOM--DAY
Alfred is standing on a stepladder stretching ornaments
out onto a Christmas tree. He gives an annoyed glance
toward a blaring T.V. screen where the impressed-with-
himself Mayor goes into a big speech made before a less
impressed group of reporters and citizens.
MAYOR (T.V.)
And Batman said to me, "Mayor,
we're not going to let this
happen again."
(stupidly dramatic)
And I said, "You better believe
it."
Bruce wanders into the living room, punching at his dark
Gameboy. On the screen, a red dot eats up a group of
white dots. A bristling-at-the-Mayor's-words Alfred
stumbles back. Bruce effortlessly palms him back onto
the ladder.
BRUCE
Keep saying to yourself "It's
only a T.V. show..."
EXT. GOTHAM PLAZA--DAY
The bored crowd musters polite applause. The MAYOR'S
WIFE, is seated by her droning husband, bouncing a
baby on her lap.
MAYOR
Whether this "Penguin" is ruler
of the literal "Underworld" or
just an old wives' tale. I tell
you as a leader...
(motioning to wife
and baby)
and as a father, that I'm not
afraid to..kick a little you know
what...heh, heh.
The crowd yawns up into some more lukewarm clapping when
a gnarling THUG-ACROBAT, in a red cape and tights that
have a red triangle across the chest, somersaults onto
the stage and snatches up the Mayor's baby.
The crowd screams as the Thug-Acrobat effortlessly pivot-
kicks the Mayor to the wood and moves to the podium,
hoisting the baby like an Oscar.
THUG-ACROBAT
I'm not much on speeches... so
I'll just say "Thanks."
The Thug-Acrobat spin-vaults over the podium and full-
backs through the crowd with the baby as his pigskin,
toward an open manhole. He dives in. As the crowd
hustles over, the Thug Acrobat can be heard screaming and
fighting.
THUG-ACROBAT (O.S.)
Oh no, it's the Penguin! Help!
INT. THE SEWER--DAY
Penguin and the Thug-Acrobat are revealed in the sewer,
barely containing their laughter. They shout upward in
bogus melodrama, while pounding the sides of the sewer
with pipes. The Bearded Lady gently rocks the placid
baby.
THUG-ACROBAT
Penguin, don't hurt me!
PENGUIN
Take that you scoundrel!
Penguin throws down his pipe and palatially mounts his
Scissor-Lift apparatus. The Bearded Lady gives him the
baby and a blast of breath spray. Penguin raises the
baby as if offering it to the gods as the Dwarves crank
upward.
EXT. GOTHAM PLAZA--DAY
With breathtaking theatricality, the baby ascends out of
the manhole to the gasps of the crowd. With suspenseful
cranking, the baby holding hands, arms, face, and body of
Penguin surges out to even more booming moans of wonder.
INT. WAYNE MANOR--DAY
Alfred and Bruce simultaneously gravitate onto a couch.
EXT. GOTHAM PLAZA--DAY
Still poising the baby in the air, Penguin promenades
forward, parting the gaping sea of faces in Moses
fashion.
Marching up toward the microphone, Penguin delicately
presents the gurgling baby to its grateful Mother and
hands his hat and holstered umbrella to the brushing-
himself-off Mayor as if the Mayor was a coat-check
Eunuch.
PENGUIN
My name is... Oswald Cobblepot.
You call me something else. Bank
gets robbed, you say Penguin must
have done it. Bunch of Circus
Meanies shoot the Christmas tree,
children skip school, priests take
drugs-- you say Penguin must have
told them to. I tell you, I
haven't done anything-- and that
goes for more than crimes. The
closest I ever came to playing a
game of basketball was hearing the
sound of dribbling on the manholes
above my head. The closest I ever
came to going to a dance was
finding a corsage in a puddle of
sewer sludge. The closest I ever
came to making love to a woman...
well, don't worry, it's way off...
Way off...I wore that corsage for
a week.
Tears roll down the faces fo the moved crowd. Punch and
Juliet give each other a thumbs-up sign. Mayor helpless-
ly looks to the top hat and umbrella in his hand.
PENGUIN
I've seen the city from the inside
and I can tell you...It is the
worst of times, it is the worst of
times. I have a terrible feeling,
don't ask me how I know, that
starting tonight there is going to
be a major crimewave. And Mayor,
I don't want you to take this the
wrong way, but if you can't
protect your own baby, there's not
a lot of hope for us. Things are
going to get a lot worse, before
they get better. Unless there is
someone who can teach this city
how to love.
Someone who can remind you just
how much you have. Someone like
me.
The roused crowd explodes into cheers.
INT. WAYNE MANOR--DAY
Bruce pounds off the TV. Alfred roams back to the tree.
ALFRED
(dryly)
You're not crying.
BRUCE
I'm not crying. And he's not for
real.
ALFRED
Well, it's certainly the strangest
publicity stunt I've ever...
BRUCE
Publicity for what? I don't know
who scared me more. Him or the
society he so easily makes a fool
of.
(darkly)
They deserve each other.
ALFRED
Should I cancel your meeting with
Max Shreck this morning. You seem
a bit...
(to object in his
hand)
Oh look, do you remember...It's
from the Christmas just before Ms.
Vale decided to leave Gotham City
and...
Alfred marvels a sparkling ornament shining VICKI toward
a less enthused Bruce.
BRUCE
I remember. Merry Christmas,
Vicki Vale, wherever the hell you
are...
Drifting off, he sadly throws the ornament, past an
alarmed Alfred, into a raging fireplace. A popping noise
booms out.
EXT. GOTHAM PLAZA--DAY
Ornaments on the humongous Gotham Plaza Christmas Tree
pop and explode as well. A REPAIRMAN shouts for the
power to be turned off and it is. Other MECHANICS hustle
about the tree.
Bruce Wayne gazes at this hapless exercise and takes in
the rest of the sweeping and clearing of last night's
debris. He swings toward the entrance of Shreck's
department store.
INT. INSIDE THE STORE--DAY
Bruce roves through the hectic department store interior,
visually inhaling the store's tacky decorations, its
Batobilia wearing child patrons rattling loud toy Uzis,
and its awesomely poisonous Chipmunk muzak. Depressed,
Bruce reaches the elevator.
INT. OUTER OFFICE--DAY
Max and Chip give deadpan stares out the shattered office
window to the empty patch of snow in the alley below.
Snow has wisped into the office.
MAX
Hmmm, I hope nothing unduly icky
happened to her. Devoured by
homeless reindeer, or perhaps...
Bruce.
BRUCE
Max. Interesting air
conditioning.
Bruce Wayne enters into the office for a firm handshake
with Max, eyes drifting to the splintered window.
CHIP
Yeah, bunch of those crazy Circus
punks were throwing rocks and...
BRUCE
No. No glass on the inside.
MAX
Interesting.
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM--DAY
Bruce eases into a chair at the circular conference
table. Max paces around him.
MAX
I would offer you coffee, but I am
afraid my assistant is using her
vacation time. Death in the
family.
BRUCE
Had some excitement here last
night...
MAX
You don't know the half of it...My
first experience with Batman.
Have you ever...
BRUCE
No. What did you think of him?
MAX
Hell, I thought he was terrific,
saved me from a bunch of hyenas
with knives on their heads.
Little on the quiet loner side.
We didn't exactly go out for
drinks. I wonder if he works
parties... You know I'm doing the
masquerade thing again this year.
Bring Vicki...
BRUCE
We're still not seeing...
MAX
Ouch. Vicki was too good for you.
You need a woman with those same
moody interests you have...
BRUCE
(chuckling)
Sounds pretty frightening.
Bruce loses his smile to get serious.
BRUCE
I'm not coming in on the chemical
plant. It's an environmental joke
and you know it. Besides, I'm
told the Mayor...
Going into his Hyde mode, Max turns to his Music Box and
again begins to abuse it, this time by poking a sharp
instrument through the body of the spinning ballerina as
he speaks.
MAX
The Mayor problem is being dealt
with. Bruce, when are you going
to drop the high and mighty
philanthropist routine...
BRUCE
Max, I'm out. We sit on the same
boards and panels together, but
come on, we're different. You got
yourself a cute little kitty as a
logo because those creepy market
research handlers of yours said it
would give you a friendlier public
image. But Max, I know you,
you're a tough businessman and no
offsense, not very cute.
MAX
(to ringing phone)
...hold that thought.
INT. PENGUIN'S CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS--DAY
A large mock-up drawing of OSWALD COBBLEPOT FOR MAYOR is
being tacked on a wall of the top level of a warehouse/
loft. The Circus Spooks are roughhousing about. The
Tattooed Strongman is twirling a barbell while a Steely
Garish Dame aggressively engraves a tattoo of a screaming
Batman onto his chest.
The viewer finally comes to Penguin barking into an all-
white phone in an all-white (except for some bizarre
hanging Suesslike cages filled with birds) Iglooesque
office space.
PENGUIN
Maxwell, my man, how's it hanging?
I had that crowd in the web of my
hand. I bared my soul and they
liked it! Whoever said the Truth
is the Ultimate Lie wasn't lying
...Is this a bad time, pardner?
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM--DAY
Max grimaces a smile of pain.
INT. PENGUIN'S OFFICE--DAY
Pengiun covers his mouth with an agonizingly gleeful
squawk.
PENGUIN
Oops, sounds like I should of
called to say I'd be calling.
Blink once for yes, Blink twi--Ha!
But seriously, Max I...
At a window in the headquarters, outside Penguin's
office, a pressed together band of the sideshow brigands
gaze down to PEDESTRIANS at a lamppost across the street,
who intermittently press a round Walk/Don't Walk button
attached to the lamppost.
Each time, a varied Gotham citizen presses this button, a
new number lights up on a Scoreboardish device next to a
stationary number of 70. The current number is 65.
LURID SNAKE CHARMER
Mr. Cobblepot, you better hurry,
there's only eight more to go!
Penguin lights up at her words, and hurries along Max.
MAX
Well-Max-sorry-to-bother-you-for-
the-inconvenience! It-won't-
happen-again-real-soon! Sayonara-
mon-capitaine! May-your-days-be-
filled-with-Bon-Voyagees.
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM--DAY
Getting comfortable, the deceptively chattering Max makes
daring eye contact with Bruce.
MAX
Oh now, what's the hurry,
"pardner"? I just think we have
to keep a low profile on our
hostile venture. Did you get my
special gift for the employees?
INT. PENGUIN'S OFFICE--DAY
Penguin antsily holds up a mighty stack of checks labeled
Cobblepot Campaign Fund. He whimpers, stretching his
phone cord as far as it can go, unsuccessfully trying to
jockey a glimpse out the window.
PENGUIN
Special gift? That's secret code
for the checks, right? Got 'em
right here! You're the man!
You're the guy! Golly, you must
busy as a bee during a visit from
the Queen so I'm gonna go...
EXT. LAMPPOST OUTSIDE HEADQUARTERS--DAY
An OBNOXIOUS LITTLE BOY skips up to the lamppost and then
presses the button three times...
INT. HEADQUARTERS--DAY
67, 68, and 69 light up next to the 70 as the watching
Penguin henchpeople let out an "OH" in cadence of each
press.
DWARF ONE
One more!
INT. THE CONFERENCE ROOM--DAY
Bruce looks away to give a disturbed glance to the
strangely damaged Music Box and its impaled ballerina.
MAX
The second phase of the operation
begins tonight. The hands-on
part. Don't hold back.....
Goodbye.
EXT. THE LAMPPOST--DAY
An instantly annoying JOGGER, with a heart beat monitor
and a T-shirt that reads GO FOR IT, rudely pushes past a
Nun up to the lamppost, then putters around it, then
starts jogging in place.
INT. THE OFFICE--DAY
Penguin squawks away, slamming down the phone.
PENGUIN
Bye!
The jogger presses the button.
A 70-70 gets emblazoned on the scoreboard.
The button, the lamppost, and the jogger erupt in a neat
nasty explosion.
The Circus Gang all high five each other as Penguin
bustles hopefully to the window. Seeing the flaming-
seconds-too-late-aftermath, Penguin detonates into primal
anger, then sobs.
PENGUIN
Wha...oh unfair! Unfair! I
missed it!...Oh, I can't
believe...
HAPPY CLOWN
Don't feel bad, Penguin, you can
just set up another...
Penguin slams the Happy Clown over a desk with his
umbrella.
PENGUIN
My name is not Penguin, it's
Oswald Cobblepot! And I like to
feel bad! Oh, I missed it! I
can't believe...
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM--DAY
Bruce stands. Max shakes his hand.
BRUCE
No hard feelings?
MAX
(a beat)
No feelings at all. Sorry about
the interruptions. I need my
assistant to screen out...
BRUCE
Relax, there she is now...
MAX
Come again?
A dazed Max turns to see a spunkier and slyer, more
assertively dressed and coiffed, Selina Kyle sashay into
the conference toom with her hand bandaged and her head
up.
MAX
Selina?....Selina....Selina.
SELINA
That's my name, Maximillions,
don't wear it out.
MAX
Uh, Selina Kyle, this is Bruce
Wayne.
BRUCE
We've met.
SELINA
We have?
BRUCE
Oh. Sorry. I must be mistaking
me for someone else.
SELINA
You mean mistaking me for someone
else?
BRUCE
That's what I said.
SELINA
(amused)
Yeah, but...
BRUCE
(amused, but let's
change the subject)
What happened to your finger?
Selina's babbling has a new, sultry confidence.
SELINA
Let's just say the broken window
out there didn't come from Little
League practice, Mr. Wayne. I
came here to get a file, then bam,
next thing I know, I'm making
angels in the snow in the alley
below. Wow, rhymes.
(pause to look at
Max)
Thing is, I have no memory of who
of what pushed me through that
window. I mean, it's not complete
amnesia. I still remember Dan
Schwartz putting 28 cockroaches in
my thermos in fifth grade and I
still remember getting my first
French Kiss from the counselor at
the Boy's camp across the swamp,
but last night--It's a complete
blur.
(slapping Max on back)
Can't you just die?
MAX
...what a hoot.
BRUCE
It's hard to get thrown out of a
window, fall--what is it--five
stories, and keep your sense of
humor.
SELINA
You sound like you speak from
experience.
BRUCE
Always. I hope to see you again.
SELINA
Hope? You can do better than
that.
BRUCE
You might be right.
Chip comes in with a tray of coffee which he dumps onto
himself at the sight of Selina. Oblivious of the slap-
stick, Bruce smiles-at-Selina his way out of the room.
They watch Bruce close the door behind him. Selina
silently keeps her back turned to a gulping Max and Chip
for a beat, before merrily wielding around.
SELINA
Hey guys, now how about a real cup
of joe? Double expresso, isn't it?
Selina bounds out of the room. Max and Chip deflate.
MAX
Find out if her memory is as
unrefreshed as she says it is.
Any little flashback sequences
you know what to do. Don't worry,
this one doesn't have a beard.
INT. OUTER OFFICE--DAY
Selina angrily squeezes blood from her finger into a
coffee maker.
SELINA
Why did you kill me, Max?
Selina looks up to the friendly cat logo clock and is
transfixed. She touches out with her bloody finger.
EXT. OUTSIDE--DAY
Bruce comes out of the store, allowing himself a slight
smile.
BRUCE
Se-lin-a Kyle.
Bruce does a quick, playful slide in the snow, then look-
ing off, halts both slide and smile. In the distance:
EXT. THE STREET CORNER--DAY
Commissioner Gordon and some other policemen are scoping
the scene of the Walk/Don't Walk explosion. An ANALYST
treads toward him, holding some wires.
Bruce approaches the scene. He gives a glance to the
jogger's now frayed heartbeat monitor which is beeping
out of control in a pool of slush.
GORDON
My God, Bruce, you shouldn't have
to see this. Some freak set up a
bomb in that Walk/Don't Walk
button. How they knew this guy
would press it at the exact....
BRUCE
This wasn't set up to kill someone
specific. It was set up for a
good time.
As Bruce speaks, he strides ahead of Gordon and the lat-
ter scrambles to catch up, in the same syncopation they
had when Bruce was Batman in Gotham Square.
GORDON
I tell you, these Xmas crimes have
no rhyme or reason.
BRUCE
Maybe it's just a different kind
of poetry. Did you just say Xmas?
GORDON
Sorry, bad habit. Damn, Wayne,
since when did you become such a
super-sleuth?
Bruce stops, realizing he's being a little too Batman.
BRUCE
Sorry. The idle rich can be a real
pain. Too many short stories,
hidden word games--How many monkeys
can you find in this picture--that
kind of thing.
GORDON
Don't apologize, I'll take all
the help I can...
BRUCE
(looking up)
Well, in the words of the city's
new superstar, it's going to get a
lot worse, before it gets better..
Bruce is revealed to be looking up at a flaming Christmas
wreath hanging on a wire near the scorched lamppost.
INT. PENGUIN'S CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS--DAY
With the lamppost flames in the background, Penguin wipes
away a tear, sucks up his composure, and holds up the
checkbook. The collection of Circus Creeps and Colorful-
ly dressed gang members orbit around him as he begins
scribbling out checks and handing them out. Excitement
builds to a pep-rally pitch.
OTHER GANGS enter from the back: six HERCULEAN
Frankenstein-postured MEN WITH SPIKY TUFTS OF WHITE HAIR,
three gruesome men in vibrant GOLFER uniforms, and a pair
of otherwise handsome TWINS WITH THE SAME SET OF SCARS ON
THEIR FACE.
PENGUIN
Everyone! I see some new faces
out there! Gather around! I am
hungry and I've been denied my
little snack! It just means I'm
going to have to eat a big dinner,
doesn't it? My good people.... or
whatever we are, this is our
chance to do something meaningful
with our lives!
(motioning out
windows)
And their deaths...
EXT. FROM A GOTHAM ROOFTOP--EARLY EVENING
A spooky pack of the Carnival denizens silently scramble
down a street below. Next, a Fire Engine with Freaked
Up Clowns hanging off it sinisterly rambles in and out
of view. Finally, the Ratty Poodle trots an unsettling
appearance.
A chilly Chip, shaking his head, is revealed to be watch-
ing the ghoulish sight. Standing atop a rooftop, Chip
turns his attentions to the windows of Selina's apart-
ment. Narrowing his eyes, he watches Selina waltz by,
balancing a sewing machine on her head, and unbuttoning
her blouse with the neon HELLO SIN flashing behind her.
INT. INSIDE THE APARTMENT--EVENING
The viewer gets an intense, elliptical array of close-
ups of Selina's hands sewing together something black.
A sewing needle is snapped in half, sharpened and then
attached to an apparatus on Selina's finger that makes
it pop in and out like a talon.
EXT. THE ROOF--EVENING
An increasingly alarmed and confused Chip squints to see
Selina in bra and panties, carrying an air hammer and
wearing industrial safety goggles.
CHIP
(bolting up)
What is wrong with this female?
INT. THE APARTMENT--EVENING
A knock on the door. Chip pushes it open and pokes in.
The room is darkened, except for some deftly lit candles
that avoid revealing the more outrageous elements of the
place. Chip can make out the sight of Selina erotically
emblazoned over her couch, petting her cat, and wearing
only an absurdly Isadora-Duncan-long, strategically
draped scarf.
CHIP
Uh, Selina...
SELINA
Why hello, Mr. Chip, I can't hide
my feelings about you any longer.
Chip gulps forward, stepping onto the almost glowing,
mystically unspray painted pink carpet. And into. The
lumbering Tan giant begins to sink and flail inside
what is a square of pink quicksand. Selina rises from
the couch, cloaked in darkness.
CHIP
Selina, this is not too cool. Help
me!
SELINA
Oh Chip, I am helping you. Helping
you realize your potential as a
human being. Unfortunately, you
have none.
Chip tries to lunge out of the quicksand. A cat o' nine
tails whip snaps out from the darkness, and lashes
him back in.
SELINA
You've probably figured out you're
being killed. Having gone through
the process last night, I can
relate. It's not a whole hell of
a lot of fun, is it? Oh Chip, you
really know how to make a gal feel
happy.
Chip makes his final quicksand bob, leaving behind a
lone bubble. Selina moves into the light, tugging
into a black second skin, fixing a feline mask on
her face. Catwoman purrs.
INT. MUSEUM CORRIDOR--NIGHT
Penguin squawks. He gleefully moves to a dark corridor
window, accompanied by a clipboard clutching Punch and
Juliet and the Twins with the matching set of scars on
her face.
PENGUIN
Punch and Juliet....note for my
bio..."It began with a poodle..."
Penguin is revealed to be looking out the window down to
a SLEEK AND PRETTY LINE OF SHOPS, CAFES, AND BOUTIQUES.
He pulls out a conductors baton, raps it on the wood a
couple times, then begins waving it symphonically.
EXT. THE GLITZY PROMENADE--NIGHT
The outdoor Mallish promenade running the gauntlet
between the pretty shops is filled with the stylish and
upwardly mobile. Incongruously into the mix comes the
RATTY POODLE, carrying a little wrapped gift. He trots
into...
INT. A BOUTIQUE--NIGHT
A small Christmas party is going on. A SLEAZY BIJAN-
ESQUE EUROSNOB is proposing a toast before a massive,
intricate pyramid of perfume bottles, labeled SUBMISSION.
EUROSNOB
To my fabulous product, Submission,
the smell of Gotham City...
EUROSNOBETTE
Ooh, look at the little doggie.
Isn't it...
(realizing its
uncuteness)
...horrible.
The poodle scoots between the Eurosnob's legs into the
perfume pyramid. He emerges back out with bottle in
his mouth. He gives off an icky whimper of satisfaction
and runs out of the boutique. The partiers slowly turn
to the pyramid of perfume bottles which rumbles and
AVALANCHES TO SHREDS.
Laying neatly atop the wreckage is the Poodle's present.
It starts to smoke. The boutique crowd roars out of
the store as the little present blows up.
EXT. THE PROMENADE--NIGHT
The familiar Fire Engine, with colored wheels and strange
sounding horns, thunders up to the smoking boutique...
Smiles of relief vanish as the Tawdry Fire-Clowns hop
from the engine, blasting out their hoses which SHOOT OUT
MORE FIRE INTO THE FLAMING STORE.
An ambulance next screeches up. Another SPOOKY SET OF
CLOWNS in stethoscopes and Doctor mirror headgear pop
forth with mallets. They whomp the Eurosnob tycoon and
his guests into stretchers. The stretchers are piled
back into the ambulance which proceeds to zoom across
the way, right into an antique store.
A line of the garishly dressed, cigar smoking, Steely
Dames materializes to start a chain to pass the loot of
the store. The Bearded Lady, at the end of the chain,
cheerfully smashes each object to the ground.
The rest of the Gotham Night-lifers tremble into panic
as the rest of Penguin's defrocked circus crew
announce their presence.
INT. MUSEUM CORRIDOR--NIGHT
Penguin is now conducting his baton in a Wagnerian
frenzy. His grotesquely pleasant view of the city side-
walks dressed in holiday style has now become pleasantly
grotesque.
PENGUIN
This campaign in going to be a
landslide. Our turn.
Marching down the corridor, Penguin, by radar, stops
before a row of lights imbedded in a wall. He snaps
his fingers. Juliet pulls out a hair spray can,
gives her own noggin a quick blast, then sprays forward,
revealing the beams of light. Penguin nods, then walks
right through the lights.
INT. MUSEUM ROOM--NIGHT
A red light, along with a buzzing sound, flashes on the
belts of TWO BLUSTERING GUARDS. They reach for the guns,
but Penguin fires a pistol six times in the air as he
swings before the quivering duo with his entourage.
PENGUIN
Greetings. Finally something to
tell your wives, huh?
GUARD ONE
But we're not married.
PENGUIN
It's okay, I'm probably going to
kill you anyway. However,
(gently PBS)
first, we've come for the Shell
of the North, found by explorers
only eight years ago, it's
enigmatic beauty is only exceeded
by its gorgeous mystery and vice
versa. Its value is...
GUARD TWO
Sir, the Shell of the North exhibit
ended last week. This is the Star
of Darkness exhibit.
PENGUIN
Oh...well, what the hell; we're
here.
The Criss-cross Scarfaced Twins rumble over to the
delicately lit black diamond in the museum room and
pull it off its perch. A much more serious,
rhythmically on and off, alarm warbles on.
EXT. THE PROMENADE--NIGHT
Terror is in full swing with pockets of Warped activity
mingling everywhere. A goggled ORGAN GRINDER plunges
down on his Organ Box causing an explosion on an Insta-
Teller machine. His MONKEY hops up to snatch up
billowing out cash.
A SAP holding a radio boom box gets besieged by the five
irons of the malevolent Golfers. His radio box slides to
the ground with a D.J. screaming out of it.
D.J. VOICE ON BOOMBOX
Before we get into a half-hour
commercial free, I gotta tell you
I've just been handed something
that says...get this, that Gotham
City is being attacked by a
combination of every gang in.....
Aaagh! Help!
Wicked laughter and violence can be heard on the boombox
as a CIRCUS CREEP in a moth-eaten old-style baseball
pitcher uniform tosses a series of old-fashioned round
black fuse-lit smoke bombs to the Tattooed Strongman who
bats them exploding into various walls and windows,
including the window of a suave venetianed blinded diner.
PATRONS of the Diner thunder out of the door. A COUPLE
rushes directly to the viewer, then stops and smiles.
THE HUSBAND
Oh, Batman, thank God!
EXT. OTHER SIDE OF THE RESTAURANT--NIGHT
Another set of patrons hightail it out of the Diner in
a different direction. They also stop to look at the
camera.
WOMAN IN BIB
Oh Batman, finally...
EXT. THE BACK OF THE RESTAURANT--NIGHT
A TEAM OF ITALIAN COOKS burst out of the back of the
restaurant. They happily sigh before the viewer.
COOKS
Pensavo che stavo muerto,
gracie dio.....BATMAN!
EXT. A WIDER VIEW FROM ABOVE--NIGHT
reveals THE SIX GLOWERING, FRANKENSTEIN-SIZED SLEAZES
DRESSED IN TAWDRY BUT MILDLY REALISTIC BATMAN OUTFITS.
Their spiky tufts of white hair stick out the edges of
their masks. They chillingly stride forward, cracking
their knuckles.
The Patrons in all directions drop their smiles of relief
and begin to back up. The Batmans swarm forward.
The Italian Cooks are revealed to be looking at a HAIRY
WHITE BABOON in a Batman outfit. They bail.
INT. THE MUSEUM ROOM--NIGHT
Penguin raises up his handgun.
PENGUIN
You guys have been just great, more
incompetent than I could have ever
hoped for, but...
PUNCH
You see, Mr Cobblepot wants to
be Mayor and he's just doing these
crimes to make the current mayor
look bad.
JULIET
Needless to say, if someone found
out about the premeditated nature
of these random crimes Dot. Dot.
Dot.
GUARD ONE
Say no more, we won't tell anyone.
GUARD TWO
You've got our vote!
PENGUIN
Cute. Really, it's for the
best...
Penguin fires the handgun. It clicks on an empty
chamber. The Guards joyously pull out theirs.
GUARD ONE
Ha! That gun's only a
six-shooter!
GUARD TWO
And you already shot off your six!
PENGUIN
When you're right, you're right.
Here's Seven.
Penguin blasts a laser from the tip of his umbrella that
shish-kebabs through both guards, toppling them to the
ground.
EXT. THE DINER ON THE PROMENADE--NIGHT
Just as the victims did before, one of the thrashing
Batmans looks directly to the viewer. He stops beating
to lustily spout.
BATCREEP #1
What are you waiting for, join in!
His P.O.V. reveals that he is looking at the real Batman,
who allows the BatCreep a second of white faced realiza-
tion before ripping off his mask and savagely pounding
him to the ground.
The other Batcreeps reach into their bat belts and pull
out surreally shaped knives. Batman reaches into his
bat-belt and pulls out his suave black Gameboy. As if
bored on a plane, Batman casually punches in a set of
white dots and one red one.
With a simultaneous howl, the Batcreeps charge at Batman
from every direction. Batman presses a button on his
Gameboy that causes batarang flanks to rocket-sprout out
of the oblong object. Batman heaves the super-batarang.
The super-batarang whizzes with wild concentration, pin-
balling from Batcreep skull to Batcreep skull, slamming
them all to the ground. The batarang boomerang-wobbles
back to Batman's hand. The white dots on the screen
blink off. The victorious red dot beeps.
Hearing squeals, Batman rack-focuses to take in the
street full of beatings and squealings and smoke bombs.
Batman glides forward in disbelief when his attention is
captured by the sound of the alarm coming from a nearby
building marked MUSEUM.
EXT. THE ROOF--NIGHT
The Scarfaced Adonises pound through a rooftop door and
scramble across it. Twin One proudly holding forth the
black diamond with a victorious titter.
Suddenly, a familiar cat o' nine tails whip slaps around
Scarface's diamond toting hand and pulls him into a face
to face with CATWOMAN--the costumed Selina speaks in her
sultry, unlike-herself voice. She plucks away the
diamond.
CATWOMAN
Oh, for me?....Tic Tac Toe!
Catwoman slashes out with her homemade talons over the
thug's criss-crossing scars. Twin Two savagely kicks her
in the stomach. Catwoman pants and giggles.
CATWOMAN
You know...I've never done this
before.
Twin Two rustles out a gun, but Catwoman Rockettes it
EXT. FRONT OF THE MUSEUM--NIGHT
Penguin proudly waddles from the museum, carrying a
painting and shoving a cigarette into a cigarette holder
in his mouth. Batman swerves before him. Penguin
stretches out his gloved hand.
PENGUIN
Batman! I feel that I know you.
Oswald Cobblepot.
BATMAN
Pleasure's all yours. Bargain
hunting?
PENGUIN
Oh, you mean, the Museum. And the
alarm. And the general mood of
complete chaos. I guess "Penguin
must have done it."
BATMAN
Great speech today. How you
predicted all this was going to
happen...Amazing. You might get a
date of it.
Penguin lifts his flipper and pretends to be stung by the
heat emanating from Batman.
PENGUIN
Tough day at the office?...Quit
while you're alive. You're
jealous, because your mask isn't
real. You hate me because I'm a
freak.
BATMAN
You're just another depressing,
greedt egomaniac. I don't hate
you for being a freak, I hate you
for being normal. You're an
insult to penguins.
PENGUIN
(laughing)
Why can't I get mad at you? It
must be the pointy ears. But
seriously, I'm here as a concerned
citizen. Somebody tried to steal
this painting. When I made...
heard those gunshots, I...
TWO POLICE CARS, siren around a corner toward the museum.
BATMAN
I'm sure your detailed "eyewitness
report" will give the boys at the
station a good laugh.
PENGUIN
(mimicking)
"...will give the boys at the
station.." Look who's pretending
to be normal now; A nice "just
doing my duty, ma'am"
crimefighter. How sad, adorable,
and funny, all at the same time.
You'll never win that way, Batboy,
but then, you know that.
EXT. LEDGE OF A BUILDING--NIGHT
Each sucking on a big bamboo pole, Punch and Juliet
balance on the ledge of a nearby building. They blow
down hard on the passing police cars.
EXT. THE POLICE CARS--NIGHT
A small orange transistor goes plinking into each of the
two car's windshields.
EXT. THE MUSEUM--NIGHT
Penguin pulls out a similar orange transistor device,
drops the painting, and spews out the cigarette holder.
BATMAN
Is that all you have to say for
yourself?
PENGUIN
There's one other thing...
(into transistor)
"Laser Bunny."
His device starts to whine.
EXT. THE POLICE CARS--NIGHT
At the sound of the two words, the two transistors let
off a bizarre, piercingly corresponding siren sound.
Suddenly, the PIGEONS OF GOTHAM CITY, and all other kinds
of urban birds, GO INSANE. They kamikaze down toward the
sirens, thundering themselves against the windshields of
the cars, causing them to skid and convulse into trash-
cans and brownstones.
EXT. THE MUSEUM STEPS--NIGHT
Batman spins from the destruction, back to Penguin, who
is opening his umbrella.
PENGUIN
Love to stay and gab, but I gotta
fly...
The steel rods of Penguin's umbrella begin to spin out of
control, shredding off the black cloth and turning into a
mini-helicopter that lifts Penguin off the ground.
Batman scuffles below him, maneuvering out his
bat-a-rang.
PENGUIN
Well, don't just stand there...Oh
yeah, you're the one without
superpowers...
Batman prepares to hurl the batarang when from out of a
manhole beneath him, the Lurid Snake Charmer Woman las-
soes a python around Batman's ankle and yanks him.
Batman's multi-cool batarang clacks to the ground.
Before Batman can notice, the Ratty Poodle teeths it up
and scampers away. Batman kicks the Lurid woman and her
snake back into the manhole. Penguin has sputtered out
of range.
EXT. SKY--NIGHT
Penguin swirls through the air with a mad cackle. He
looks down to a rooftop below him to see Catwoman wallop
the remaining Twin.
PENGUIN
And what do we have here? A new
girl in town.
Penguin playfully makes a cat yelping noise.
EXT. ROOFTOP--NIGHT
Catwoman cackles up to the choppering away Penguin in
admiration as Twin Two crumples to the ground. She flips
the diamond over her head, pauses for a breath of sanity,
and then does a giddy leap onto the next building's
drainpipe.
EXT. THE STREET BELOW DRAINPIPE--NIGHT
A relatively normal looking MUGGER is pinning a FEMALE
VICTIM to the side of a building and rummaging into her
purse.
MUGGER
That's it, pretty, young thing,
nice and easy...
FEMALE VICTIM
Please don't hurt me, I'll do
anything...
Catwoman launches down, perfectly wrapping her legs
around the mugger's neck. She claps her hands together
with the mugger's head in the middle. She sinks to a
standing position on the sidewalk as his moaning body
sags downward.
CATWOMAN
I just love a big strong man who's
not afraid to show it, with
someone half his size.
FEMALE VICTIM
Thank you, thank you, I was so
scared...
CATWOMAN
Oh, shut up!
Catwoman slams the Female Victim back against the
building.
CATWOMAN
You make it so easy, don't you,
pretty pathetic young thing?
Always waiting for some Batman to
save you...HA!
EXT. PROMENADE BEFORE THE MUSEUM--NIGHT
Commissioner Gordon hatches out of one of the crumpled,
bird-corpse-covered police cars. Batman removes one of
the transistor devices from the windshield.
GORDON
Birds! I'm completely outmanned
to begin with and now the creeps
got Mother Nature on the
payroll...
BATMAN
It was Penguin. Behind this. All
of this.
GORDON
You mean, Mr. Cobblepot? Now why
go blaming him? I mean, where is
he? Do you have any...
BATMAN
Stop. It's not the time...
Batman closes up the transistor in his hand and moves off
into the smoking chaos of Gotham's Rodeo Drive. Gordon
gives him a thoughtful glance before the Mugger and his
Female Victim clamor up.
MUGGER
She had claws!
FEMALE VICTIM
That's what I'm saying! She was a
Catwoman!
EXT. MAX'S DEPARTMENT STORE--NIGHT
Catwoman saunters up to the door of a closed Shreck's
department store. She makes a thoughtful pause before
the Shreck Kitten logo on the glass, then punctures it
with her talons.
EXT. THE THICK OF THE SMOKING PROMENADE--NIGHT
Batman sheriff-struts into the dark mist. The Raggedy
Sword Swallower leaps out at him. Batman gives him a
strategic elbow to the ribs and pulls a sword from his
mouth. A MANIAC WITH AN ABSURD BOMB STRAPPED TO HIS
CHEST pops out next.
MANIAC BOMBER
Stop or I'll blow up this
entire...
Before he can finish his sentence, Batman impolitely
lashes out with the sword and, sparks flying, shears the
bomb from the bomber's chest. Batman catches the bomb,
hooks it to his bat-belt, then slams the Maniac Bomber to
the ground with the back of the sword. Flinging away the
sword, Batman rumbles further.
INT. THE DEPARTMENT STORE--NIGHT
Catwoman dashes down an aisle, outstretching her arms to
shred the priceless blouses of a gauntlet of pouting
mannequins.
CATWOMAN
Born to shop.
With her whip, Catwoman latches up to an overhead Mobile
of Christmas decorations and Art Deco snowflakes. With a
yank, she causes them to grandiosely hail upon the
ground.
At the sound of shattering, an ELITELY UNIFORMED PAIR OF
SECURITY GUARDS rev up into a gently scrambling through
the strategically darkened store. They round a corner to
see Catwoman merrily bouncing upon a trampoline.
From Catwoman's rising and falling POV, the Security Men
look up with every adjective of confusion and excitement.
SECURITY ONE
Who is she? What is she?
SECURITY TWO
I don't know whether to shoot or
fall in love.
CATWOMAN
Try both.
The Guards draw up their guns. Catwoman spins out of
orbit and swooshes down upon their looking up faces,
thrashing them to the ground. She fluidly cartwheels to
a wall tile, that she bashes open, revealing a propane
tank. She talons off a hose, letting gas hiss into the
air.
SECURITY TWO
Please! We're innocent! Our take
home is less than 300 a week..
CATWOMAN
You're not innocent, you're alive.
And overpaid.
She hugs out for an armful of car care aerosols and then
skippingly stashes them into a line of microwave ovens.
Flouncing backward, she beeps them into starting.
EXT. ANOTHER PLACE IN THE SMOKING PROMENADE--NIGHT
The Thug-Acrobat from the press conference, and another
LIKE CAPED GANG MEMBER hold out their checks in the deep
discussion.
THUG-ACROBAT
I scored a bonus for the press
conference-Baby thing.
LIKE-CAPED GANGSTER
You got start saving your
receipts, man.
Emerging from the smoke behind them, Batman sledgehammers
down the Caped Gangster then latches out to the running
away cape of the Thug Acrobat. He violently swings the
Acrobat off the ground into a harsh lamppost-wraparound
collision. Batman catches the Acrobats floating off
check, before looking up to see the Tattooed Strongman
growl out of the smoke before him.
TATTOOED STRONGMAN
Oh, no big bad car tonight. No
spiky things to shoot at my head.
(pounding his Batman-
tattooed chest)
Before I kill you, I let you hit
me. Hit me. Come on, hit as hard
as you can. I need a good laugh.
Batman quickly swings into the Strongman's stomach. The
Tattooed leviathan roars with laughter.
TATTOOED STRONGMAN
You call that a...
The Tattooed Strongman stops laughing when he looks down
and sees that Batman has attached the Maniac's bomb to
the Not-so-Strongman's leopard skin. The Tattooed
Strongman squeals past Batman right into an open manhole.
An explosion geysers out of it.
Batman sighs out of the smoke at the end of the Promenade
into...
EXT. GOTHAM PLAZA--NIGHT
Batman plods a couple steps through the relatively placid
Plaza. He stops dead at the sight of Catwoman coming
toward him from the mouth of Shreck's department store,
startling back flip by startling back flip. She does a
final somersauly and lands on her feet, ten yards away.
CATWOMAN
(dry enunciation)
Meow.
The department store behind her blows up with a glowing
roar. Batman is knocked to his knees. With naked
excitement, he gapes over to see Catwoman scale the
ridges of a Plaza building. Batman scans over to a fire
escape on the other side of the building and bolts.
EXT. BUILDING ROOFTOP--MINUTES LATER--NIGHT
Batman too-heatedly storms up the last of the fire escape
and strides the rooftop like an autograph hound. He
passes Catwoman, who is in a Cheshire curl atop a rooftop
power shack. When she speaks, Batman turns to see her
slink down.
CATWOMAN
Where's the fire, cowboy? Besides
Max Shreck's department store.
BATMAN
I...
Catwoman launches a brutal kick right into his face.
Batman reverberates back a couple steps.
CATWOMAN
Speak up. I hate a man who's...
With savage calm, Batman forcefully swats Catwoman into
a whimpering ball.
CATWOMAN
How could you? I'm a woman...
BATMAN
I'm sorr...
Catwoman spins and slams batman off the ledge. She
lashes out her whip, and soils it around one of Batman's
flapping arms. With both hands, Catwoman jerks up
Batman. She ties her and of the whip to a weather vane.
CATWOMAN
As I was saying, I'm a woman...and
can't be taken for granted. You
are no longer the Night. You're
but a puny eclipse, a pitiful
reminder of what's supposedly
"Right." But in a world of Wrong
and Hate. "Irrelevant" is your
most notable trait...Are you
paying attention, you Batman you?
BATMAN
Hanging on every word.
CATWOMAN
A sense of humor. Surprise
tactic. Did you know we live in a
society that tells its boys to
conquer worlds, but tells its girls
not to get their dresses dirty.
A man dressed as a bat can be
anything, but a woman dressed as
anything but a woman is wicked.
I'm just living down to my
expectations.
She only-half-teasingly runs her talons over the out-
stretched ship lifeline. Batman, with his unwhipwrapped
arm, reaches into his bat belt and takes out a mini-test
tube of the familiar pleasant blue fluid, guiding it
toward a tube of the familiar nasty red fluid.
BATMAN
People hurt each other, they lie
to each other, they're more
interested in what I drive, than
what I stand for. I need their
intelligence, they give me their
lunch boxes.
CATWOMAN
(pulling back)
Finally, a real conversation and
it's not even Valentine's Day.
But tell me stud, if you hate
society so much, why do you
dedicate your life into defending
the scum who run it. I'm not here
to protect society. I'm here to
bring it all down. Life's a
bitch, so now am I.
The bat belt mixture turns purple. Batman counts off to
five as Catwoman swings back to cut the whip. Batman
lobs up the bubbling mini-test tube. It explodes into
Catwoman's forearm. She animalistically shrieks in an
epilepsy that sends her soaring off down to the next
ledge, barely.
Batman tarzans himself down beside her. Catwoman's
talons frantically claw and scratch, trying to gain
balance. Batman darkly just watches.
She scrapes off. Batman does a last minute slam of his
foot onto one of her claws to hold her in the air.
CATWOMAN
My hero. Where were you the last
time I died? You don't get it, I
don't want to be saved. I want to
be changed. Don't worry I still
have eight left.
Catwoman rips out from Batman and drops from the
building. Batman watches in shock as her body hurls
toward the ground. At the last possible moment, from out
of nowhere, a truck of Kitty litter bags passes beneath
Catwoman cozily lands upon them.
INT. SELINA'S APT.--LATER--NIGHT
Selina, still in her Catwoman outfit, opens her front
door and tosses her keys on the coffee table as if she
had just punched out a ho hum 9 to 5. Oblivious to her
new decor and self, she does a little leap over her
quicksand carpet and presses a talon down on her answer-
ing machine.
LAME BOYFRIEND'S VOICE
Selina, I'm going to give you
another chance to be the woman I
just know you can be. I
thought...
Selina violently cackles then cuts off completely. She
shish-kebabs down her talons into the machine and then
flings it off into her kitchenette.
The machine hits her faucet. The faucet comes on with a
clear, perfect stream of water. Selina pleasantly drifts
to the faucet and rolls up her sleeve, revealing the
Batman-induced burn mark. She holds it under the water
and purrs in pleasure and pain.
INT. THE BAT CAVE--LATER--NIGHT
Batman opens a glass case that is to hold his bat suit.
He tears off a glove, revealing a bare and bruised hand.
He puts the glove in the case, then pauses with a contem-
plative sigh.
BATMAN
Meow.
EXT. GOTHAM PLAZA--DAY
Penguin silently stands upon the stage in the middle of
the square, his head bowed with quiet dignity. A MASSIVE
CROWD, also bows their heads in silence.
PENGUIN
Amen.
THE CROWD
Amen.
EXT. GOTHAM PLAZA--DAY
Bruce Wayne stands in the middle of the bursting-with-
righteousness crowd and shakes his head. He helplessly
puakes at Penguin's words.
PENGUIN
I'm afraid we're going to need
more than prayers to stop the
disease devouring Gotham City;
a disease that turns Eagle Scouts
into Psychotic Clowns and happy
homemakers into Catwomen. I
chattered last night with my noble
friend Batman, and Batman said to
me, "Oswald, I'm losing it, man.
I'm peeing in me tights. I need
help."
(Mayoral pause)
I said, "Batman, I'm here."
The crowd applauds. Bruce is ready to explode. He holds
out the check he retrieved the night before and irritably
balls it up.
PENGUIN
The city needs a new moral
authority. Someone who can still
remember what terrible thoughts
go through a bitter and sick
outcast's mind. If I can cure
myself, I can cure the city. Love
is the drug. Face it, we need a
new leader! A new mayor! A new
election! The new me!
The crowd goes crazy as sheets drop from walls and fences
revealing vivid OSWALD COBBLEPOT FOR MAYOR posters.
THE CROWD
Oswald! Oswald! Oswald!
Faces nauseously poking out of a limousine window, the
Mayor and his staff look to the pandemonium of the crowd.
MAYOR
Get me out of here, before I kill
somebody, like myself.
INT. THE SCHRECK CONFERENCE ROOM--DAY
From his literally Ivory Tower, Max snickers down to the
fleeing limousine. He then looks down to one of his
burnt, cracked Art Deco snowflakes in his hand and melts
his smile back into stone.
Suddenly, a maliciously upbeat Selina gooses him from
behind and puts a cup of coffee in his flustered hand.
SELINA
Morning, Max! Bummer about the
store, last night.
MAX
Yes, uh...
Max takes a sip of coffee and gags. He spits a live
cockroach from his mouth. It crawls over the desk.
SELINA
My, those silly exterminators
promised me the coffee machine was
okey-dokey.
MAX
What are you trying...
SELINA
I'm really sorry. Hey, have you
seen Chip? He's usually so
prompt. We were to have buttered
English muffins and hot chocolate
together this fine winter's day.
MAX
Uh, well, I hope...
SELINA
...nothing happened to him. I
second that emotion.
(sashaying off)
Oh, I'm taking the rest of the
afternoon off. Do you mind?
Really? You are the best.
The door slams shut. A completely bewildered Max looks
down to his coffee and quickly throws it from himself.
INT. OUTER OFFICE--DAY
Selina puts up a post-it that reads "Defy Authority" on
her computer terminal, along with subversively aggressive
others like "Expose the Horror" and "No Mercy." A fly
buzzes into the room. Selina bats it with feline concen-
tration as she reaches out to a carton of skim milk.
EXT. THE STAGE--DAY
Penguin guides the luminous and lovely Ice Princess
toward the microphone.
She is wearing her tiara, booties and snow bunny fur over
an absurd bathing suit.
PENGUIN
As you know, tonight at seven
o'clock sharp is the Relighting
of the Christmas Tree and Gotham
City's own Ice Princess is going
to press the button!
ICE PRINCESS
Gotham I've got goosebumps and not
just because I'm in my tangerine
Norma Kamali one-piece. I
wouldn't miss this to save my own
life!
PENGUIN
You got that right. Now, don't
forget. That's seven o'clock.
This is going to be mroe than the
regular flicking on of some bulbs.
It will be a renewal for the city
that all must pay witness to!
The Mayor promised in the papers
that nothing bad would happen. I
pray he won't let us down...
Penguin devilishly grins when saying this, running his
hands through the Ice Princess's hair.
Bruce looks to the tree, the Princess, and the petting
Penguin.
BRUCE
Subtlety will get you everywhere,
"Mr. Cobblepot."
Bruce meanders out of the Plaza crowd and into the con-
necting promenade of shops that were so brutally bombarded
the night before. Amid the still-smoking wreckage, a
couple stores, spread out from each other, are mystically
untouched and glistening.
These gloriously immune shops all have a Shreck logo on
them. Bruce's brain whirs. He uncrumples the check.
INT. PENGUIN CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS--LOWER LEVEL--DAY
A gung-ho bevy of FRESH FACE YOUNG CONSERVATIVES spirit
about a wholesomely cluttered and buzzing campaign
headquarters level, enthusiastically handling phones,
flyers, and faxes. Penguin beams by a group of Aryan
brethren.
SOUTHERN BELLETTE WORKER
Oh Mr. Cobblepot, you're just the
most wonderful role model a young
person can have.
PENGUIN
(sexual hunger)
And you're the best young people
a role model could have...
Penguin squawks off and up a circular staircase in the
middle of the headquarters floor, babbling to himself in
awe.
PENGUIN
Who would have thought? I say
something funny, they laugh. I
say something touching, they cry.
I say something French--"Je suis
une pamplamousse"--they say tres
bien.
In one fluid motion, Penguin begins his soliloquy amid
the adorably respectable buzz of the clean but campaig-
ners and then trudging upward, almost oblivious to the
amid the ugly growling of...
INT. UPPER LEVEL OF THE CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS--DAY
where the evil Fordon Liddy Yang to the goody-goody
bottom floor John Dean Yin eerily presents itself. The
Circus Creepazoids bandage up their wounds and check
their wacko artillery. The Walk/Don't Walk button Score-
board reads on one side 6,341. The number to match on the
other side is 17,000.
A line of Circus Thugs wearing NERDISH GLASSES, scruti-
nize a wallful of photographs of the Batmobile and
contrast them with a series of Penguin's Da Vinciesque
drawings.
PENGUIN
I never knew superiority could be
so fun, and so easy...heck, I
might even get laid tonight if...
Penguin cuts off to pick up a ringing red hotline phone.
PENGUIN
Max! Did I do it or did I do it?
INT. SHRECK CONFERENCE ROOM
In his chair, Max is holding a flaming lighter beneath
his abused music box. The damaged snowflake also rests
on the table.
MAX
You did it. Unfortunately, you
did it to my flagship store. I
insisted that you stay away from
my...
INT. CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS--DAY
Penguin thoughtfully answers.
PENGUIN
Max, not our foul. It was that
Catbroad. I gotta tell you
though, she's got potential.
The power suddenly goes out in the headquarters. The
overcast daylight is all that seeps in. Penguin gives
his office a challenged grin. He sees the outline of
Catwoman felinely pacing around, scaring the living hell
out of his birds.
INT. SHRECK CONFERENCE ROOM--DAY
Max slightly raises his voice, ripping his logo off the
wall.
MAX
Forgive me if I am not as aroused
by someone who dresses up like my
logo and trashes my assets.
INT. CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS--DAY
Penguin absently concurs, his mind on the girl.
PENGUIN
Yeah-yeah, Mr. Shreck. Consider
her spayed. Bye.
Penguin hangs up. He happily wobbles toward his office.
One of his henchmen is walloped out of his office by
Catwoman. Penguin steps over him, love and desire in his
eyes. He Cat-growls....
PENGUIN
I'm glad you came. We have so
much in common. Death.
Destruction. Courage to make
a Fashion statement. Overall
sexual intensity.
CATWOMAN
Batman. My friend, we have
Batman in common. Our connection
is the thorn in both our sides.
As long as that smug superhero
is around, Gotham City will have
some lame sense of security.
He's like a God, who works for a
living.
Penguin looks off to the pictures of the Batmobile.
PENGUIN
Honey, this one's on me. The Bat
is in a Will-Stop-At-Nothing-To-
Bring-Me-To-Justice mode. Figured
I'd kill him.
CATWOMAN
Making a martyr out of Batman is
a lot less enjoyable than turning
him into what he despises most.
Namely, us.
PENGUIN
(Hmmmmm)
Batman, framed as a criminal...
Punch and Juliet purposefully stride in. They futz with
Penguin's tuxedo as they speak.
PUNCH
We couldn't help overhearing....
Catwoman, a pleasure. Punch...
JULIET
Juliet. Personally, we have
nothing against Batman--Face it,
the guy's still got it--but
business is business. The only
thing the Mayor has got going for
him right now is his allegiance
to Batman.
PUNCH
You make a successful mockery of
the whole Batman thing and you
leave the Mayor with nothing.
Instant Recall election. City is
yours.
PENGUIN
(blasting some
breath spray)
I think we're all in agreement.
Catwoman and I just have to...bang
out the details.
JULIET
We further recommend...
PENGUIN
Beat it.
Punch and Juliet whisk out the door. Penguin spookily
rides his umbrella up Catwoman's leg.
PENGUIN
This is the big time, baby. Are
you for real? For all I know,
you're just some screwed-up
sorority chick with a PMS degree,
who wants to get back at her Daddy
for not giving her a sweet sixteen
pony...What do you say about a
little interspecies action.
I'll...
Catwoman gulps in nervousness then shoots her claw into
one of the bird cages and rips out a small canary and
shoves it into her mouth. Penguin frantically withdraws
the molesting umbrella.
PENGUIN
Stop it! Leave Gertie alone! I
was just--whaddya call it--
"flirting." It was my first
time...geez.
Catwoman cooly spits out the canary, allowing it to fly
around the room. Penguin warily sits behind his white
desk. Catwoman comfortably slithers atop it.
PENGUIN
Give a guy...You're seeing someone
else?
CATWOMAN
Oswald. It could never work
between us. Literally...Our plan
for Batman?
PENGUIN
...this morning...in my speech, I
made a vaguely humongous deal
about the relighting of the
Christmas tree. Batman likes to
play offense. He'll come to check
it out.
CATWOMAN
(post-purr)
I'll be the cat that kills
curiosity.
EXT. THE PROMENADE OF NOW-NOT-SO-GLITZY SHOPS--DAY
NAIVELY GIDDY CHILDREN and GUARDEDLY AMUSED PARENTS
boarded-up-windowshop down the damaged but not defeated
outdoor mallish line of shops. Father, Mother, and Boy--
A FAMILY HIGHLY REMINISCENT OF YOUNG BRUCE WAYNE AND HIS
DOOMED PARENTS glow to a "magically" intact Schreck toy
store window.
Bruce Wayne sidles up beside them and sadly contemplates
the cozy menage. He turns and looks, not through the
window, but at it, at the reflection of himself.
In the corner of the window reflection is a reflection of
Selina Kyle standing across the street. Her back turned,
she is also looking toward a store window. Noticing her,
Bruce turns from his window.
EXT. THE STORE ACROSS THE STREET--DAY
Selina grimly stares at her reflection.
SELINA
What are you doing?
Selina pushes her Catwoman mask deep into her purse. A
gliding over Bruce touches her shoulder, startling her.
BRUCE
Selina. Hello. I didn't mean
to...
SELINA
(Catwoman voice)
Hello...
(coughing, normal)
Hi, Bruce Wayne. Hi.
BRUCE
It's great to see you in real
life, outside the Almighty
conference room. I can't believe
Ebeneezer Shreck let you out. He
must have got a fax from the
Ghost of Christmas Future...
SELINA
Something like that. So what are
you doing out in the jungle? I
thought you quasi-reclusive
jillionaire playboy types have
robots who come out do your
yuletide soap-on-a-rope gift
buying.
BRUCE
It's their day off. That was a
hell of a sentence. Se-li-na
Kyle. There's something about
you...I'd really like us to get
to know each other.
(looking off)
Well, kind of.
Bruce is looking to a newsstand. They both pause to
absorb the screaming tabloid headlines "BATMAN WIPES OUT
ON CRIMEWAVE"..."It's A CAT-astrophe"...."Me-ow-uch!"
SELINA
The news nowadays....It seems to
be coming from another planet,
another life.
BRUCE
I have a hard time believing it
myself, sometimes.
(peeved)
"Batman wipes out on Crimewave"?
I mean, that's a bit of an
exaggeration...
SELINA
(squinting and
reading)
Catwoman is thought to weigh 160
pounds. Where do these hacks get
their information? I mean, she'd
have to be a lot better shape
than...
Bruce and Selina gointo half-chuckles as they shuffle
together..
EXT. GOTHAM PLAZA--DAY
POLICEMEN are cordoning off the Plaza in preparation of
the night's festivities. The Plaza is filled with
FESTIVITY WORKERS, dressed as ELVES, who scurry about
cleaning up. A sign reminds THE RELIGHTING OF THE TREE
AT SEVEN.
SELINA
You're not going to this thing
tonight, are you? "The Relighting
of the Tree."
BRUCE
I wouldn't be caught dead here.
I have a feeling it's going to
be very.....rowdy.
SELINA
Rowdy?.....It's going to be Hell,
Bruce, and Chaos and Armageddon
and...Uh, at least that's what I
think.
BRUCE
Those are big words. I guess
we'll just have to watch it on
T.V.
SELINA
I'm sorry I feel so strongly. And
wickedly. I didn't always.
BRUCE
How charming. You got yourself
a little dark side.
A can't-help-but-be-condescending Bruce pats her on the
head as they pass the stage. The Ice Princess, poking on
a studious pair of glasses, is being re-briefed on the
difficult task of pressing the large red button whose
wires lead to the tree. The viewer is revealed that
many of the elves are Penguin disciples like the Sword
Swallower and the Raggedy waif.
EXT. PARK PATH--DAY
Bruce and Selina stroll down a deserted and lightly
snowbound park path, between two large snowmen. Selina
broadly inhales.
SELINA
Is it just me today, or do you
feel...sane?
BRUCE
It's just you.
(smiling)
It's strange, but when I'm with
you I forget that the world is...
Suddenly, from out of the snowmen, TWO WILD-EYED HOODLUMS
in little oxygen masks smash forth, like bad butterflies
form a nice white, corn-cob-pipe cocoon. They tear off
their masks and pull out knives.
BRUCE
...like this.
Bruce heroically heaves forth, giving Selina a small,
"Back Miladu, this is man's work" push. Selina then
strides before him, giving a "Let me handle this, you
lily white cutie" look. Bruce tries to Dudley-Do Right
forward again, when...
SNOWMAN HOODLUM ONE
It's dangerous to walk in the park
after 11 a.m.? Don't you..
With simultaneous brutal swiftness, Bruce sledgehammers
Hoodlum One to the ground as Selina gives Snowman Hoodlum
Two a terrifying backhand, sending him into the snow.
Bruce lifts up Selina's bloody knuckles. He licks them.
She likes it. They melt toward a traditionally classic
screen kiss when Bruce sneezes in her face.
BRUCE
I'm sorry. I'm allergic to cats.
SELINA
What do you...
Selina is in shock. How could he possibly know...A
smiling Bruce motions over his shoulder to where the
nasty Tomcat from her resurrection stands. It growls off.
Bruce and a brightening Selina re-melt into a soaring
kiss as the viewer's viewpoint drifts back to reveal the
muggers' crumpled bodies twitching in the snow beside
them.
INT. DEN IN WAYNE MANOR--DUSK
Bruce and Selina continue their passionate kissing,
wrestling on a couch in Bruce's den, fully-clothed,
before a roaring fireplace. A sparking-off ember causes
them to break apart.
SELINA
To think, I was taught never to
get involved with a man with two
first names.
BRUCE
you were taught well. My last
relationship...forget it.
SELINA
Ah, too late, you started it.
What went wrong? Keep things from
her?
BRUCE
No, told her everything.
SELINA
Ouch. Well then, let's keep
things strictly superficial.
BRUCE
Not yet. First I get a question.
Back in the park, where did you
learn...
SELINA
Didn't. At least I thought I
didn't. I won some karate
lessons. Radio thing. I'd been
calling for Grateful Dead tix...
anyway, I take the course. I was
a most serious failure. The
instructor kept chanting "Your
mind isn't clear, your mind
isn't..."
(disturbingly)
It is now...
Bruce massages a tickled Selina under her shirt.
BRUCE
Why is your body so alive?
SELINA
("You don't wanna
know")
Uh...Uh-robics. I was very
athletic as a girl. It's cute
thing for a girl--to be athletic,
aggressive....but you grow older,
everyone tells you...
BRUCE
Everyone is wrong. Important
thing to remember.
Selina felinely curls out of an intense kiss to lie on
the couch. Bruce's hand brushes by her burnt forearm.
SELINA
I'm just so tired. I had
incredibly rough night last night.
BRUCE
This city takes a lot out of you.
I was running around quite a bit
myself.
As Bruce lies back, Selina pats his head, her turn to
be condescending.
SELINA
How charming. More of that rugged
Last Minute Christmas shopping?
BRUCE
Sure.
They both close their eyes.
INT. A TRAILER IN GOTHAM SQUARE--DUSK
The sweet, lovely Ice Princess, in a vast white Good
Witch dress, is storming around her dressing room trailer,
barking into a cordless phone and fiddling with her hair
in the mirror.
ICE PRINCESS
Yeah, yeah, that's all very
uninteresting. Bottom line, they
want this fair maiden back next
year, they are going to have to
pay. Big time. I don't want to
be pressing a sucky red button all
my life.
Ice Princess slams down her antenna and gives up a sur-
prised smile to Penguin.
ICE PRINCESS
Why Mr. Cobblepot, I didn't hear
you come in.....
PENGUIN
(malevolently)
Why thank you. It's one of my
strong points. Heads up.
Penguin heaves the Super-bat-a-rang the Ratty Poodle
retrieved for a point blank whoosh into the Ice Princess's
forehead, thwacking her into her makeup table. The
batarang boomerangs wildly back causing Penguin to hit
the deck. It reverberates off the wall a couple times
before dropping to the shag. A lone white dot blinks off.
EXT. HER TRAILER--DUSK
Penguin drags the Ice Princess out of the trailer. Punch
and Juliet finish spraypainting to help him yank out the
vast-dressed damsel.
PENGUIN
How could the Caped Crusader do
such a thing? One, two, three,
pull! One, two..
Revealed upon the trailer, the words "LET THE ONE WITHOUT
SIN CAST THE FIRST STONE" are spray-scrawled next to a
spooky, dripping drawing of a bat with a death skull.
INT. WAYNE MANOR DEN--EARLY EVENING
Lit only by the fire now, Bruce wakes with a start, still
entangled with a napping Selina. Seeing a clock showing
6:30, he gracefully winds out of Selina's arms as not to
disturb her serene slumber, then bolts off.
INT. WAYNE MANOR STAIRCASE--EARLY EVENING
Bruce rumbles down a set of stairs. Alfred saunters by
at the bottom of the stairs.
ALFRED
Bruce, the computer search on the
campaign check came through. You
were right. It's Max. The money
for the Cobblepot Campaign Fund
comes from the account of a small
Waxed Lips company in the islands.
Owned by the Shreck corporation.
Bruce pauses on the staircase.
BRUCE
Shreck bankrolling Penguin...Damn
him. I think we should send Max
one of our little gifts.
ALFRED
Agreed.
Alfred opens up a cabinet as Bruce continues down the
stairs. Alfred takes out one of many identical SCARABE
BROACHES.
BRUCE
Why didn't you wake me, Alfred.
The Re-lighting of the Tree is in
a half-hour.
ALFRED
(awkwardly)
I was hoping you would miss it.
BRUCE
You heard Penguin in the Plaza
today. He's going to do
something. He practically issued
an invitation to me.
ALFRED
He did issue and invitation. That
is what I'm afraid of. The
whole thing is...
BRUCE
I know...You didn't put any money
on this, did you?
Bruce smiles off until Alfred calls out, causing him to
antsily semi-stop.
ALFRED
And what of your friend?
BRUCE
Oh, Miss Kyle. Her name's Selina
Kyle. She's wonderful. Tell her
I had some business that came up
and I'm really, really, sorry
and...and communicate to her that
I, I don't know, that I really
like her. Not just in a stupid
"Be my girlfriend" way. That she
makes me feel very.... inside.
Very...
ALFRED
("get going")
I will work on it, sir.
Bruce smiles and bolts off.
INT. WAYNE DEN--DUSK
Selina slowly wakes out of her catlike ball with a
purr. She then looks to her watch and freaks upward.
INT. THE WAYNE STAIRCASE--DUSK
Selina dashes down the staircase. Alfred glides out to
greet her.
SELINA
Alfred. The butler, I mean, more
than a butler. Bruce's told me
about you...
ALFRED
Hellow, Miss Kyle. Mr. Wayne
told me to tell you...
Selina semi-runs in place like Bruce did.
SELINA
Mr. Wayne. Tell Bruce, some
business came up, and...And
Alfred, tell him I've been going
through a lot of changes and...
no, don't tell him that. Just...
tell him, he makes me feel like
I really actually think I am...
(laughing)
Or you know, if you can cook up
a sonnet or a dirty limerick or
something.
ALFRED
I will work on it.
Alfred grins as Selina runs off.
INT. BATCAVE--NIGHT
Bruce breaks out the Bat suit and begins to get into it.
A live broadcast from Gotham Plaza silently shows on a
screen.
INT. SELINA'S VOLKSWAGEN--NIGHT
Selina chugs down the road, pulling her Catwoman outfit
out from underneath the single-woman-old-People-magazine-
Diet-Cola-can detrius of her Volkswagen.
EXT. A GOTHAM ALLEY--NIGHT
The Batmobile coasts into a deserted alley. Batman
activates the security cloak. He storms off.
EXT. GOTHAM PLAZA--NIGHT
Gotham is ready to party. A hearty mass of people are
crammed into the Plaza before the gigantic, unlit Christ-
mas Tree, breathless with an anticipation usually saved
for New Year's.
The Massive Electronic Teletype reads, "New Lights for
the Tree. New Hope for the City. Shreck Electric..."
EXT. THE SHRECK ALLEY--NIGHT
The familiar Ratty Poodle, with an Elf hat on his head
hobbles to the mouth of the alley. Seeing the Batmobile,
he barks off.
Moments later, following the poodle, a perversely hetero-
geneous squadron of other Penguin crew members dressed
as elves, strategically surround the Batmobile, each
holding a toolbox. The Raggedy Barefoot Waif unzaps the
security cloak.
Each Elf, locks a card of a meticulous drawing onto a pro-
truding headpiece, so each Elf can scan the card while
toiling with both hands. The Elves begin taking apart
the Batmobile.
EXT. GOTHAM PLAZA--NIGHT
The Mayor paces the Plaza stage, badgering his staff.
MAYOR
Let's just get the Ice Brat out
here, get her to push the damn
button, and light up the silly
tree. Then we all go safely home,
roast Jack Frost's chestnuts on
an open fire, and talk about what
a good time we had and what a
good mayor I am...Jim! Didn't
I say it'd be clockwork?
COMMISSIONER GORDON
The Ice Princess has been
kidnapped.
Commissioner Gordon gravely steps forward with other
policemen. The Mayor goes into psychotic denial,
addressing Gordon with the same chipper tone and
expression.
MAYOR
Jim! Didn't I say it'd be
clockwork.
GORDON
It gets better. It looks like the
person who kidnapped her is...is..
Overcome with grief, Commissioner Gordon holds out the
slightly blood tinged Batman's bat-a-rang.
MAYOR
Jim! Didn't I say...Batman! I
always knew that freak was a
security risk!
EXT. TOP OF A GOTHAM BUILDING--NIGHT
Batman takes a sentinel position above Gotham Plaza and
scans the crowd. He curiously watches Commissioner
Gordon and his militia rush into police cars and screech
off.
Batman's attention is wrenched away by the sight of Cat-
woman in the distance, panthering off one building onto
another. He watches her slink down to a lone lit up
floor where Penguin can be distinctly seen cackling and
waddling around a bound-on-a-chair and gagged Ice
Princess. Catwoman climbs into the window.
Batman fires across a grapple to the ledge above the
floor.
EXT. THE ALLEY--NIGHT
The Batmobile has been dismantled and picked apart like
a post-Thanksgiving turkey. The Quasi-Elves deviously
perform delightfully incomprehensible and detailed handi-
work upon the skeleton with their tools, while engaging
in blue collar bitching. Wires are twisted. Clamps are
added. The piece de resistance is A WARPED-TECH BEACON/
ANTENNAE that is placed carefully beneath the vehicle.
SWORD SWALLOWER
I'm just saying, I wouldn't mind
sitting down and having a drink
with him.
STEELY DAME
With that snob Batman! I can't
believe I'm hearing this from you!
DWARF ONE
He's not saying he doesn't want
to see Batman destroyed tonight.
We all do. But wouldn't it be
intriguing to pick his brain.
In a way, he's one of us...
NERDISH CLOWN
His family was killed in a
meaningless act of violence and
he does the bat-vigilante thing
out of revenge...That's my theory.
Penguin's elves moan in disagreement.
SWORD SWALLOWER
Damn, nobody wants to hear your
boring theories. Man, why did
we let you in the gang?
EXT. LEDGE--NIGHT
Batman finishes a violently swooshing wire and pulley
ride. He slams against the wall of the building. How-
ever, the moment his feet land firmly on the ledge of
the building, the lights in the large, lofty room
containing Penguin, Catwoman, and the Ice Princess-in-
distress, mysteriously go out.
INT. INSIDE THE DESOLATE-EXCEPT-FOR-A-CHAIR FLOOR--NIGHT
Creeping through the open window, Batman can make out the
dimly lit figure of the Princess struggling in her chair.
He undoes her gag. Her eyes are looking out over his
shoulder.
ICE PRINCESS
Why is the building across the
street laughing at us?
A perplexed Batman turns to the windows not facing the
Plaza. A perfect configuration of lit windows in the
building across the street form the flashing on-and-off
word of HA HA HA.
Batman tries to come up with a reaction to this bizzare
sight, but his attention is directed downward by the
sound of sirens. The set of police cars that Batman saw
leave from the square are now screeching up to the non-
square side of the building.
BATMAN
Strange. A set-up.
ICE PRINCESS
But Batman, how can somebody be
set up for a kidnapping...I'll
just tell the authorities the
truth and...
CATWOMAN (O.S.)
Who said this was a kidnapping?
Catwoman drops down from the ceiling and launches a trade-
mark full length kick at Batman, but the came-to-play
Crusader grabs her heel and vigorously thrusts her
backward into a shattering set of windows.
CATWOMAN
I thought we had something
together.
BATMAN
We do.
Batman swings out. Catwoman backflips away to the
Princess and slashes down. But only to cut the Ice
Damsel's ropes. Catwoman rips her off the chair and
tugs her through a door.
CATWOMAN
Excuse us, Girl talk!
ICE PRINCESS
He-lp!
Batman hustles after them.
EXT. THE ENTRANCE TO THE BUILDING--NIGHT
Commissioner Gordon gloomily watches his men bash open
the door.
INT. BUILDING STAIRCASE--NIGHT
Catwoman wrenches a resisting, squealing Ice Princess
up a staircase. Batman rumbles after them, a floor
behind.
EXT. THE ALLEY--NIGHT
The Elves busily backtrack, putting the Batmobile back
into its original state, piece by piece.
NERDISH CLOWN
Then again maybe he's just a
guy who has a thing for bats.
SWORD SWALLOWER
Cork it. We're a dream...
Each Elf gives the Batmobile a simultaneous last little
buff with his or her shoulder. The Waif reactivates the
security shield as the Elves skedaddle.
INT. THE STAIRS--NIGHT
Batman crashes up a final set of stairs through a door
onto...
EXT. THE BUILDING ROOFTOP--NIGHT
Where Penguin is pointing an umbrella to the temple of
the shuddering Ice Princess. Catwoman is nowhere to be
seen.
PENGUIN
Batman! My oh my, caught chasing
Pussy-cat. Glad you could make it.
Nothing's worse than arriving late
to an assassination.
BATMAN
Drop the umbrella. Your feelings
of impotence have gone too far.
You...
PENGUIN
(pretends to be
nodding off)
Oh, sorry...Gee, I guess I never
looked at it like that. I feel
pretty selfish. Here Cinderella,
you take it...
Penguin hands over the umbrella to a befuddled Ice
Princess.
The handle of the umbrella clamps both the Ice
Princess's hands and suddenly goes into its spinning,
cloth shredding mini-helicopter mode! The fully costumed
Princess starts to float up over the edge of the roof.
Batman races to outstretch after her, but she sputters
out of reach, drifting out over Gotham Plaza.
Penguin presses a button on a hand console. The umbrella
handle comes off in the Princess's hand. She sails down,
gorgeously wailing toward the crowd and the Christmas
Tree below.
EXT. POLICE STATION ROOF--NIGHT
Dwarf Two in Elf threads hot-wires on the Bat Beacon
Spotlight and tips it so the beam comes down off the sky
right onto...
EXT. THE BUILDING ROOF--NIGHT
and Batman himself (!), who stands on its edge.
EXT. DOWN AT THE PLAZA--NIGHT
A viewed segment of the crowd peers up.
CROWD MEMBER
Batman! He pushed the Princess!
The devastated Mayor and his staff follow with their
heads the trajectory of the princess's body and their
careers.
The Princess's body slams down onto the big red button.
This causes the Christmas tree to come to life, but not
with lights. A LEGION OF EEKING BATS bellow out from the
tree's branches and swoop down upon the crowd, clawing
at heads and shoulders. Mind boggling pandemonium.
Tearing and batting at the bats, people crunch through
telephone booths and storefront windows.
The Massive Electronic Teletype reads out: YOU PEOPLE
ARE NOT WORTH PROTECTING. YOU ARE WORTH DESTROYING.
LOVE, BATMAN.
Punch and Juliet stand content in the eye of the frenzy.
They give each other a thumbs-up sign.
A PACK OF MADE OVER WOMEN IN SMOCKS plow from a beauty
shop, besieged by bats violently re-arranging their
hairdos.
EXT. THE BUILDING ROOF--NIGHT
Batman stands frozen under the Bat Beacon glow. He
snarls toward a whooping-it-up Penguin.
PENGUIN
I knew it would be delicious, but
this is too good...
The cops blast through the rooftop door (which swings
open to deftly hide the nearby Penguin). Batman stops
his snarl as the Officers open fire.
BATMAN
Wait...
COMMISSIONER GORDON
Hold your...
The bullets violently ripple against Batman's armor,
sending him reeling back, over the edge of the building.
Batman tumbles in air, clangs off a terrace railing,
then bone crackingly inverts onto the next building
terrace.
EXT. THE TERRACE--NIGHT
A crumpled-on-the-ground Batman aches up, but is gently
pushed down by the heel of an approaching Catwoman.
CATWOMAN
You're purr-fect; everything I
could ever want in a man: scared,
confused, and about to die.
BATMAN
I also play a mean accordion.
The disguised Selina Kyle collapses into an erotic
straddle of the disguised Bruce Wayne and gives him a
quick lick. The drunk-on-pain Batman focuses on some
mistletoe hanging above Catwoman. He manages a snort.
Catwoman looks up and chuckles with him.
BATMAN
A kiss under the mistletoe. Did
you know mistletoe is poisonous,
if you eat it?
CATWOMAN
But a kiss is deadlier, if you
mean it.
Catwoman unfastens the Bat belt from the semi-paralyzed
superhero and flings it off the terrace.
BATMAN
How did you know that truck would
drive by after you jumped?
CATWOMAN
I didn't. What about you? Did
you mean what you said, Batman,
the other night we hung out?
About hating society? Or were
you just outmaneuvering me?
EXT. BELOW--NIGHT
The bat belt spins to the ground, its chemical payload
half-exploding on impact. Frightened Gothamites obli-
viously scud past it.
EXT. THE TERRACE--NIGHT
Catwoman runs her talons down Batman's armor.
CATWOMAN
No answer? So much for foreplay.
Who are you? Who's the man
behind the Bat.
Maybe he can help me find the
woman behind the Cat.
(pressing armor)
That's not him...here you are...
Catwoman's talons poise at the end of Batman's armor, just
above the waist. Catwoman thrusts. Roaring up, Batman
fiercely whams Catwoman off him, into a moaning ball.
Batman operatically rises, bleeding from the talon holes
and aching from every pore. He moves to the edge of the
terrace and does a swan dive off it.
EXT. IN AIR--NIGHT
From out the back of Batman's arcing downward costume,
a pair of balsa wood-enforced, lithe black cloth kite-
wings extend out and open. Batman uses his wings as a
hang gliding parachute, leveling off his mean trajectory.
EXT. BELOW--NIGHT
Gotham citizens stop their fleeing to gape at the
terrifying sight of Batman flying amid his real-life
counterparts.
EXT. A SECLUDED ALLEY--NIGHT
Batman continues to swoosh ever downward. He edges out
before the crowd. Parallel to the ever-this-is-gotta-
hurt-closer ground, Batman Brannifs into an alley down
for a skidding, quasi-crash, leaving him barely conscious.
The black balsa batwings crunch to pieces in the tumble.
The lead pack of the crowd, A SURLY, HETEROGENEOUS MOB OF
THREE (One is a cop) huff into the alley and surround
Batman's body.
NIGHTSTICK COP
Yes! We bagged that big blue
hypocrite!
ANGRY MOB MAN
Let's crucify him...or something.
ANGRY MOB FEMALE
The mask, jerk! Take off the mask!
The trio hunkers down as the Angry Mob Male fiddles with
the back seam of the mask. As he grits his teeth and
makes a savage pull, the Batsuit Chestplate detonates
and deflates, causing a burst of dark blue gas to blast
up into his persecutors' faces.
Batman coughs, awakens, and gives the Angry Male a solid
kick, slamming him back into the others. Aching up,
Batman stumbles down the alley, breaking into a seething
dash.
EXT. ANOTHER BLOCK OF THE CITY--NIGHT
Penguin gives a congratulatory two-handed grab of
Catwoman's paws. They are standing before a fountain
that absurdly seems to have frozen during an Old
Faithful-size upward splash.
PENGUIN
Outstanding work. You're Beauty
and the Beast in one lusciously
wrapped package.
CATWOMAN
Right back at you. Now we do
some real damage to the
powers-at-be...
PENGUIN
(not paying attention)
You were the real thing, tonight.
You're an incredible, creative
villain and that's what makes it
so hard to do what I have to do.
...That department store you hit
last night belonged to Max Shreck.
CATWOMAN
What does that poisonous piece of
Upstanding Citizen have to do with
anything?
PENGUIN
(doing a cat screech)
Temp-er. Sorry, you feel so
strongly, bu-ut Max Shreck is
my bankroll, my boss, and a pretty
neat guy all around...
CATWOMAN
My God, you were the one. The
one he thought I saw him talking
to. That's why he...
Catwoman gives off an incensed screech and spin. She
begins pounding her forehead just like Selina did,
speaking in her voice.
CATWOMAN
Corn dog! Corn dog! Corn dog!
Max owns the good guys and the
bad guys. Even vulgar, twisted
little mutants like Penguin!
PENGUIN
(poignantly)
The name's Oswald Cobblepot, and
I don't think I like you anymore.
Penguin fires a petite fireball from his umbrella. It
sears into Catwoman's shoulder, blasting her back into a
writhing fit. He then puts an umbrella in her hand.
It locks on. And goes into a choppering fury.
PENGUIN
Go to Heaven.
Catwoman's wounded body is lifted from the ground,
limping upward into the air. Penguin sadly watches her
go.
PENGUIN
I knew I'd have to kill you. It
only made me love you more.
PUNCH
(rushing up)
Batman has left the building.
JULIET
What you did in the Plaza, they
should put in a textbook...but
you might want to think about
going to Plan B now.
PENGUIN
(wistfully)
Why not?
A colossal Recreational Vehicle emblazoned with a VOTE
FOR OSWALD insignia and a grand antennae rumbles up be-
hind him.
EXT. GOTHAM SKYLINE--NIGHT
Catwoman's wounded body continues to endlessly whirl
through the Gotham stratosphere, past its skyscrapers.
She painfully reaches up with her free claw and tears
open the handle lock. She is released.
Catwoman makes a dazzlingly awesome freefall plunge,
finally crashing through a building skylight into...
INT. A PENTHOUSE GREENHOUSE--NIGHT
and a tableful of flowers. She lies for a moment in
stunned silence then launches up to wail an inhuman wail
that tumultuously shatters all the greenhouse glass.
EXT. THE BATMOBILE ALLEY--NIGHT
A battered Batman gallops into the alley and undoes the
security cloak on the deceptively pristine Batmobile.
Batman thunks down into the driver's seat and takes a
breath of guarded relief when suddenly the doors make
severe locking noises. All systems on the control panel
flash on by themselves. The engine cacophonously vrooms
up.
INT. THE RECREATIONAL VEHICLE--NIGHT
Penguin scuttles into the back of the motor home, past
various Carnival creeps. He bounces into a seat before
an absurdly twisted, Renaissance-tech remote control
panel of switches, buttons, and levers, all labeled with
functions of the Batmobile, including a mini-steering
wheel.
INT. THE BATMOBILE--NIGHT
Batman pounds his fist into a Batmobile window to no
effect. Penguin's face comes on his screen the same way
Alfred's innocuously did before.
PENGUIN (screen)
Don't adjust your set. Welcome
to the Oswald Cobblepot School
of Driving. If you're not
humiliated and dead by the end of
our first lesson, money back
guaranteed. Gentleman, start
your screaming...
Batman becomes motionless. The vehicle thunders forward,
slamming his back.
EXT. THE BATMOBILE--NIGHT
blasts from the alley and makes a wild turn onto the
street.
INT. RECREATIONAL VEHICLE--NIGHT
Penguin rambunctiously joggles the steering wheel. On
one screen, he sees Batman's drained face. On another
screen is batmobile-eye view.
PENGUIN
I know this is a bad time to
mention it. But I don't even
have a license. Thought you
might like to know.
EXT./INT. THE BATMOBILE--NIGHT
Shrieks wildly down the street and up the sidewalk,
sending people and things screaming and crashing.
BATMAN
Thanks...
Batman sneers in mortification then bashes down and tears
off a shard of his console. He rips and tugs at various
wires.
Penguin gives a disappointed frown from the screen.
PENGUIN (screen)
Oh come on, just sit back and
enjoy the ride. The night is
young. Oh, watch out for the
newsstand...
EXT. THE BATMOBILE--NIGHT
demolishes a newsstand, scaring off terrified bystanders.
INT. RECREATIONAL VEHICLE--NIGHT
Penguin scratches his chin.
PENGUIN
Fire hydrant? Too cliche.
The Batmobile swerves past a fire hydrant, wildly
surging...
EXT. INTO GOTHAM PLAZA--NIGHT
The Batmobile ferociously heads into the Plaza and buzzes
the rejuvenated-in-a-bad-way townpeople.
INT. RECREATIONAL VEHICLE--NIGHT
PENGUIN plays his controls like the Phantom of the Opera.
EXT. GOTHAM SQUARE--NIGHT
Batman rages as the batmobile sides flank out, no longer
in the name of good, but to bash down fleeing bystanders.
Levers on the console go down by themselves. Batman
slams out to give them Herculean pushes upward.
The steel spikes Gatling-blast out everywhere, destroying
all-remaining Christmas decorations.
EXT. PLAZA--NIGHT
REPORTER BIX CARBONDALE shouts into the camera.
BIX CARBONDALE
This is Bix Carbondale in Gotham
Plaza. Batman is out of control.
First came the bats and now...
A flying steel chunk smashes Carbondale to the ground.
INT. THE BATMOBILE SCREEN--NIGHT
Penguin talks through the screen as Batman tears at his
console.
PENGUIN
You gotta admit it feels good.
You saw the way these taterheads
turned on you. Tell me it's not
a little fun.
BATMAN
I'm not...this isn't.
EXT. GOTHAM SQUARE--NIGHT
Meanwhile, a pack of Gothamites flee in different
directions, leaving the Adorable Little Girl from the
opening stranded and confused. The Batmobile specta-
cularly angles right at her. She's a bunny paralyzed by
the headlights.
INT. THE RECREATIONAL VEHICLE--NIGHT
Penguin licks his lips as the screen zooms toward her.
PENGUIN
Oh, this is going to hurt her a
lot more than its going to hurt
you.
Penguin presses down on the accelerator.
INT./EXT. THE BATMOBILE--NIGHT
Batman looks to the oncoming child and goes dead.
He yanks open a ceiling panel, revealing another myriad
of wires and fuses. He stares with spooky undistracted
concentration. He pulls out a round fuse.
The Batmobile squeals to a sudden dead halt, centimeters
from the vibrating then fleeing Adorable Little Girl.
INT. THE RECREATIONAL VEHICLE--NIGHT
Penguin moans out of annoyed sexual non-release.
PENGUIN
Oh God, why...why did you stop.
It felt so good, so...what the
heck, how about one last spin!
Buckle Up!
EXT. GOTHAM PLAZA--NIGHT
The steel jack-type device again explodes out of the
bottom of the Batmobile, lifting it up off the ground.
But instead of going into a simple, suave 180 twist,
the batmobile convulses into a Tasmanian Devil spin that
revolves the car around at mind-roasting speed. A
battalion of police cars surround it. Officers unhatch
and begin firing.
INT. THE BATMOBILE--NIGHT
Breaking into a loud snarl, a swirling Batman tries to
mangle open his matching square knob. Penguin's image
on the spinning screen surreally cackles....
INT. THE RECREATIONAL VEHICLE--NIGHT
Penguin twists the Square knob some more and then kicks
back in his seat to watch and squawk.
PENGUIN
Who wants to go faster? I can't
hear you! Come on, everybody
raise your hands!
EXT. THE BATMOBILE--NIGHT
spins even faster.
Batman rips off his own square knob, pounds back the fuse
above him, and rips sparks some wires in his steering
wheel.
The jack is sucked back up and the Batmobile breaks out
of its cartoon swirl and blusters forward deftly between
two police cars, screeching molecules to spare.
INT. RECREATIONAL VEHICLE--NIGHT
Penguin falls back off his seat in anger and shock.
INT. A CAR REPAIR GARAGE--THE SAME DAMN EVENING
A scruffy Teen, who'll be referred to as THE KID, is
sweeping the grimy floor of a small, gloomy car repair
garage. He wears a wildly tattered grease-monkey uni-
form and a blaring Walkman which prevents him from
hearing the sound of shouts and sirens. He pits down
his broom and sighs a sigh.
THE KID
Too much excitement for one night...
Why do I keep reading this stuff?
The Kid picks up a comic book that says THE TRUE LIFE
ADVENTURES OF BATMAN and moves down upon a sleeping bag
on the concrete floor of the garage. He opens up the
comic book....just as the Batmobile spectacularly
crashes through the glass garage doors and screech stops
over two jack flanks.
BATMAN
Up!
The Kid de-Walkmans and flings his silly comic book. He
slaps up a lever that launches up the two jack flanks
into the belly of the batmobile, lifting the oversize
vehicle off the ground.
INT. THE RECREATIONAL VEHICLE--NIGHT
Penguin frantically grasps and twists his steering wheel.
PENGUIN
What...why?
INT. THE GARAGE--NIGHT
The wheels of the lifted Batmobile futilely twist and
spin.
INT. THE BATMOBILE--NIGHT
Penguin shouts on the screen.
PENGUIN (screen)
You're cheating! You dirty bat--
Batman pounds his fist through the screen, shutting him
up. Batman then takes a piece of the batmobile console
and jimmies open his door.
INT. THE GARAGE--NIGHT
Batman dramatically lands, staring face to face with
the Kid.
THE KID
Oh man....I don't believe...Fill
er up? Check the oil? Key to the
restroom? Don't talk. I might
wake up.
The Kid kicks forward a small stepladder, grabs a
toolbox, and lurches forward.
INT. THE RECREATIONAL VEHICLE--NIGHT
Penguin and his crew are now angrily re-working the
wiring on their console.
PENGUIN
Get out there and repo! It's my
toy!
Penguin's Circus Foot Soldiers come charging out of the
RV.
INT. THE SEEDY GARAGE--NIGHT
Talking as fast as he works, with barely human speed and
desterity, juggling a variety of tools, the Kid dances
out a dazzling pit stop surgery that causes the glowing
Beacon Rod to drop into his suddenly stopping hands.
THE KID
Oh man, this car is a religion!
And it's not even an import. You
know, I'm getting into the whole
crime-fighting arena myself. So
far, it's just been a couple
shoplifters and a drunk driver.
You know, only so much I can do on
a bike. And I'm a little shaky on
this whole Bat-Cat-Penguin thing,
don't you know. I mean, what, I
gotta be Goat Boy? I gotta put on
a cowbell and shout Moo before I
bust some guy's--Whoa, Batman, you
can't be serious with these lame-
ass shocks. FIne automobile like
this...You must got stock in the
company. Here let me set you up--
(to beacon)
...Hello, talk about a specialty
part...
The Kid tosses the beacon to an impressed Batman who
snaps it off in his catching hand.
BATMAN
Thanks.
INT. THE RECREATIONAL VEHICLE--NIGHT
Penguin's contraption completely goes dead. Penguin
flops down.
PENGUIN
It was the perfect evening.
Disgraced my enemy. Had a Date.
Watched her die. Now this!
Unfair!
INT. THE GARAGE--NIGHT
Batman lets the snapped beacon pieces clatter to the
ground.
BATMAN
Appreciate it. Wallet's in my
other pants.
THE KID
On me...
Batman looks off to the sound of commotion. The Kid
glances up through the open door of the Batmobile. A
peculiar, multi-dark-colored object resembling a morbid
pinwheel top pokes up from the floor. The Kid snatches
it...
as four of Penguin's garish Circus foot soldiers tear
through the shattered garage door. Batman steps forward,
but before he can do anything else, the Kid kicks up his
toolbox and ferociously swings it across two of the
thugs' faces, splaying them to the floor. Another one
lunges out...
THE KID
Yo Batman, if that is your name,
you on your break or what?
BATMAN
Don't talk. Down and left.
The Kid spins down and launches into a deft martial
artistic kick-and-sweep that levels the attacker. AN
UNSPORTING CARNIVAL CREEP points out a gun toward the
Kid's back. Batman cooly pelts down the Garage's jack
lever.
The Batmobile slams down on the Unsporting Creep's foot.
Batman savagely frisbees a hubcap into his yelping face,
knocking him cold.
A couple of the previously bashed Thugs pull out more
impressize artillery and begin firing. Batman rips the
frozen Kid into the Batmobile with him.
INT. THE BATMOBILE--NIGHT
The Kid sits in the driver's seat in a state of shock.
Batman turns as bullets batter the window.
BATMAN
"Reverse" might be a good way to
start.
The Kid does a cartoon wobble of his head then reaches
out.
INT. THE GARAGE--NIGHT
In one awesomely fluid move, the Batmobile squeals back-
ward past the thugs, through whatever remains of the
garage door, and into the street where it rams into a
passing police car.
INT./EXT. THE BATMOBILE--NIGHT
The Kid smiles.
THE KID
Not bad pickup. Zero to 60 in no
seconds. Could get used to this.
The Batmobile screams away. It turns a corner to zig
and zag among people and public landmarks.
The Kid works the steering wheel like any arcade prodigy.
THE KID
I think I'm going to get a free
game.
BATMAN
Funny. A right.
EXT. STREET--NIGHT
THE MALEVOLENT FIRE ENGINE wails into the chase, with
the Fire-clowns and some Steely Dames scattered across
its top. Two Police Cars swerve in beside it. All
parties blow out their weaponery at the Batmobile.
INT. THE BATMOBILE--NIGHT
The Kid is getting queasy from the bullet barrage.
Batman begins methodically rummaging through his
console's twisted wires.
THE KID
Is there a reason why the police
and the Fire depart--I don't wanna
know. All the times I ever dreamed
of driving the Batmobile, I never
got killed! I want you to know
that! Strictly mow down the bad
guys and maybe pick up some mature
ladies for a night cap...
BATMAN
(not looking up)
Left.
INT. THE POLICE CAR--NIGHT
Revealed in the passenger seat, Commissioner Gordon stops
shooting to make loony eye contact with his criminal Uzi-
toting elf-Clown-Firemen-Steely Dame counterparts.
INT./EXT. THE BATMOBILE--NIGHT
Batman works through the wires at a more quickened pace.
BATMAN
Right.
THE KID
Right? Now whoa, the right is a
dead...
BATMAN
(slightly raising voice)
Right.
The Batmobile swooshes onto a road that has two, omni-
potent brick buildings towering at the end of it with
only a small not-quite-a-car-let-alone-a-Batmobile-size
gap between them.
EXT. STREET--NIGHT
THE POLICE and the Fire Engine screech in behind them.
STEELY DAME
Mr. Cobblepot, he's in the bag!
INT./EXT. THE BATMOBILE--NIGHT
The Kid is barely holding in Don Knotts-size yelps.
THE KID
I knew it! We'll never fit! This
is my town! I say it's a dead end
then that end will be dead!
BATMAN
Don't worry. Faster.
THE KID
Faster? Wake up and smell our
corpses, you Count Dracula loving...
Man, stop trying to fix the tape
deck!
The Batmobile streaks closer to the building. The Cops
and the Thugs continue to fire.
Batman sparks two wires together. The windsheild wipers
come on.
BATMAN
(gently puzzled)
What's funny? I ain't laughing!
Dirty jokes about other people's
mother are funny! Monkeys in
rollerskates smoking cigars are
funny! This isn't...
The buildings loom before the windshield.
BATMAN
(with a strange laugh)
Now I'm a little worried...Oh.
Batman connects two wires.
EXT. BATMOBILE--NIGHT
The sides of the Batmobile break off and clang to the
ground and the wheels of the car remarkably contort in
a single file roller blade position, leaving only a
sleek missile of a car that smoothly darts between the
gap of the two buildings.
EXT. THE STREET--NIGHT
Gordon's cars and the Fire Engine try a last minute
unswerve, but end up swirling together into the building
fronts in a staggering pile up.
EXT. OTHER SIDE OF THE BUILDINGS' GAP--NIGHT
The Bat-missile-mobile slashes out of the gap.
The Kid whoops in laughter out the doorless vehicle.
batman smiles. The car does a suave, angled speed skate
around a corner.
INT. THE RECREATIONAL VEHICLE--NIGHT
Penguin is snarling into his radio. The Nerdish Circus
Spook Scientist stares out the window.
PENGUIN
It did what? Find him!
NERDISH SPOOK
Sir, I have some good news and some
bad news. Good news. I found him.
PENGUIN
What's the bad...
(looking out window)
Ugh-ooh. Gotcha.
The new batmobile is seen bolting right at them.
THE NEW BATMOBILE--NIGHT
Batman turns to the Kid.
BATMAN
I want to wear him.
EXT. THE NEW STREET--NIGHT
The Batmobile drills up through the RV and out the other
side, through the Vote for Cobblepot sign. It then
proceeds to mosey down the calm and deserted street.
EXT. STREET CORNER--NIGHT
The Batmobile squeaks to a teetering stop. The Kid
wobbles out with a dazed grin. Batman moves into his
place.
BATMAN
Not bad.
THE KID
Uh, yeah, hey, my card. Maybe we
can get together again if...
The Kid tugs out a rumpled card from his uniform.
Batman takes it with a nod, then screeches off.
In a glow, the Kid watches the vehicle make a debonair
swerve around a corner.
A couple of Street Punks scuffle up behind the Kid.
STREET PUNK
Hey man, where were you? Did you
see what happened in the Plaza...
THE KID
(beside himself,
frustrated)
Did you just see...I was with...I
was in...I was driving..I..Did you...
("They'll never
believe it")
Oh, forget it.
The Kid wearily beams off. He wipes off his arms, then
brushes his chest. He smooths off some grease that
reveals an enigmatic R on his uniform.
EXT. GOTHAM PLAZA--THE NEXT DAY
The viewer's viewpoint pulls out on what was once the
Batman Merchandising Store. It is in the process of
being refurbished with Penguin goodies--clocks, lunch
boxes, T-shirts, and umbrellas. Moving upward, one
sees, wearing scattered bandages, Penguin, standing tall
upon the stage, bathed in cheers, a Red, White, and Blue
Umbrella in his hand.
PENGUIN
When it came to making this city
safe, the Mayor had not a plan,
only a man. A Bat-man. A spooky
and abnormal ticking time bomb of
a man, who finally exploded last
night. Unlike the Mayor, I tried
to defuse him. I cut him off with
my RV.
INT. A WAYNE MANOR STUDY--DAY
A Wall Unit T.V. in a mezzanine-type level study, over-
looking the Manor Living room continues to show the
gleaming Penguin.
CROWD (T.V.)
Recall! Recall! Recall!
A bat-a-rang whooshes through the air, bangs the on off
button, turning the image of weeping Penguin off and
then boomerangs back to Bruce, who is standing with
sunglasses on. Alfred is stitching his arm.
BRUCE
Restores my faith in inhumanity.
ALFRED
Commissioner Gordon called to warn
us that Batman will probably try
to attack the elite of the city.
BRUCE
What did you tell him?
ALFRED
I told him that since you, in fact,
are Batman, that this does not
pose a problem.
BRUCE
Alfred, you're on a roll.
ALFRED
What is considerably less amusing
is that you let this car-hop-street-
urchin actually drive...
BRUCE
Alfred, I don't want to talk bout
it...
ALFRED
You let him see...
BRUCE
Alfred. Who let Vicki Vale into
the batcave? I'm down there
working, I turn around, "Oh hi,
Vicki, have a seat..."
ALFRED
(seriously)
I was just so...worried and
frightened...the bats...On the T.V.,
Bix Carbondale getting bonked in
the back of the...
BRUCE
You should have warned me not to go.
Bruce and Alfred share a warm chuckle, then get serious.
Bruce pulls out the check. As he speaks, Bruce saunters
to an aquarium tank full of violently exotic fish. He
rolls up his sleeve, then shoots his arm in the water to
twist an underwater castle shaped like Wayne Manor. The
fish swarm his arm.
ALFRED
Well, is there at least a way to
send the information about the
Cobblepot Campaign Fund to
Commissioner Gordon?
BRUCE
Max can't be treated like a purse
snatcher. He's protected by the
Mayor. So that's why I anonymously
sent a copy of the check and the
information directly to our
backstabbed Mayor himself. I have
no illusions about our Mayor's
actual power, but there can't help
being some fireworks. Let's see
how much Max gets burned.
Bruce pulls his arm from the underwater castle. He
continues calmly speaking as a bookcase dramatically
opens revealing a little key undramatically hung on a
hook. Bruce unceremoniously picks it off and heads
toward a wide, closed Sarcophagus in the corner of the
room that has been painted with the design of an Ancient
and Mysterious woman. Bruce eyes it.
BRUCE
Oh Alfred, did Selina get home
okay?
INT. SELINA'S APARTMENT--DAY
The viewer is suddenly taken wildly through Selina's
apartment, into her kitchenette. Curled in a quivering
ball on the floor, still in her Catwoman outfit, Selina
shivers as a deranged spray of water from her broken-
again faucet spews all over her. Her cat screams atop
Selina's inert, drenched body.
In Selina's hand is a soggy invitation to Max Shreck's
annual Christmas Eve MAXquerade Ball.
INT. WAYNE MANOR STUDY--DAY
The viewer is whipped back into the Wayne Study.
ALFRED
I am sure she got home just fine.
She seems like a very nice woman.
BRUCE
She is.
With the key, Bruce opens the Coffin, revealing it is
an Iron Maiden, lined with sharp spikes. Bruce steps
inside it.
ALFRED
I believe I'll take the stairs.
Bruce nods as the Iron Maiden begins to close. The
spikes suddenly lower themselves. The bottom drops out.
INT. THE BATCAVE--DAY
Bruce slides out of an inclined chute into an unbroken
stroll to a batcave console. He does some unseen console
punching and calls out to Alfred, who is chugging down a
staircase.
BRUCE
Max receive our gift?
ALFRED
Oh yes, and I told him how nice it
would look in his conference room.
Bruce presses a button that resembles the Scarabe gift.
INT. MAX SHRECK'S CONFERENCE ROOM--DAY
The viewer's viewpoint pulls out from the elegant Scarabe
gift resting on a shelf in Shreck's conference room. The
Mayor and his staff vibrate past this literal Bug, into
the room with an unleashed, but unavoidably a little
tentative anger like children discovering an emotion for
the first time.
The unflinchingly zen Max Shreck is in his chair in the
middle of the conference room. It is slowly, creepily
revolving in a circle. He is again disturbingly toying
with his Music Box.
MAYOR
Max Shreck, you're a fiend. A
grubby fiend and I'm not afraid
to say it. In fact, I just did
say it. My office was given...
information; about you, Penguin,
and all this....!
MAX SHRECK
It's about time someone realized
those big checks were coming from
somewhere interesting....
MAYOR
You wanted me to find out about
this?
Max lifts his battered and acupunctured Music Box.
MAX SHRECK
How else could you learn your
lesson? Last month, I bought this
music box, but it would not play
music. Now I could have taken it
back to the store, taken it to a
repairman--I could have put the
company out of business.
Unsatisfying. This box needed to
be punished, tortured. I mangled
it with tools and wires and lined
its gears with acid. At times, I
can hear it scream.
INT. THE BATCAVE--DAY
Huddled around the console, Bruce and Alfred listen in
horror.
MAX (O.S.; Speaker)
The only way to fight the pain of
society is to become it.
INT. MAX SHRECK CONFERENCE ROOM--DAY
Max halts his spinning chair, directly facing the Mayor.
MAX
Like nature itself, I don't allow
anyone to get away with anything,
not even this barely animate
object. I don't just run Gotham
city, I'm its twisted soul. I
build soaring skyscrapers--and
scummy slums. I sponsored Planet
Appreciation Day--while operating
polluting factories in about
every continent.
The visitors are slumped in defeat. They reach out to a
small bin, pull out pieces of licorice, and begin glumly
munching.
MAYOR
This is all about me not letting
you build that stupid chemical
plant. All this pain...
MAX SHRECK
It is about a principle. You
betrayed me, admittedly slightly,
but still, a lesson had to be
learned. By plucking a disgusting
monster from the sewers and giving
him your crown, I hopefully taught
one.
MAYOR
But if we give you the damn...
factory, can you, I mean, will you,
stop Penguin and the Crimewave?
MAX SHRECK
(ascending)
Oh, of course. Mayor Cobblepot
was a joke I never intended in
telling the punchline to. It'll
just take a couple phone
calls.....But you know, you really
haven't apologized.
MAYOR
("you son-of-a-bitch--!")
Apolo--!
("What's the use")
I'm......sorry.
MAX SHRECK
Oh heck, that's okay...don't give
it another thought. Tonight's my
annual Christmas Eve Max-querade
Party at the Club. You should be
there. Really.
MAYOR
With bells on....
INT. THE BATCAVE--DAY
The unhappy pair hear the sound of a door closing and
rich Max Shreck laughter. Bruce clicks off the speaker
and sullenly breaks away from the console.
BRUCE
I guess we showed him.
ALFRED
What makes Max Shreck think he can
so effortlessly get away with
these acts?
BRUCE
History....I only wonder how
Penguin is going to take the news
he's being cut off?
ALFRED
Dear Bruce, Penguin couldn't have
possibly thought he was going to
be Mayor. I mean, really! You're
not laughing.
BRUCE
I'm not laughing.
INT. PENGUIN'S CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS--DAY
Penguin gleefully prances through the doors of his
campaign headquarters. Some Circus Creeps in incon-
gruously patriotic clothing, dutifully chuckle in behind
him.
PENGUIN
So once I become Mayor, I'm gonna
clothe the hungry, feed the naked.
Two chickens in every...
The mirth of Penguin and his crew is assassinated the
moment they look forward. The entire headquarters has
been stripped bare. All that is left is the Walk/Don't
Walk scoreboard which clicks to 14,868/17,000, empty bird
cages, and a stark phone on top of a stool that begins
ringing. Penguin stumbles to the phone like a gutshot
Dog.
PENGUIN
Hell-o.
INT. MAX'S CONFERENCE ROOM--DAY
As Max glibs out on speaker phone, he pours a beaker of
acid onto the churning gears of the Music Box turn along
with the victim-ballerina. A barely audible but painful
whine can be heard. Punch and Juliet are revealed to be
seated at the conference table, biting their lips in red
faced laughter.
MAX
Oswald, how's it hanging? I don't
know how to begin to thank you.
Your enthusiasm has only been
exceeded by your evil genius. But
alas, it's time to call it a day.
INT. CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS--DAY
Penguin is beside himself, attacked by a menu of
emotions. He orders "Helpless."
PENGUIN
What day? I don't get it. I was
winning. Haven't you seen the
crowds? Haven't you read the
editorials? Haven't...
(pathetic, laughing)
Why Max, you ole skindog, this is
one of those practical Bloopers,
ain't it? Where's the cameras?
Penguin pathetically looks around.
INT. THE SHRECK CONFERENCE ROOM--DAY
Max condescendingly smiles. Punch and Juliet whimper.
MAX
People came to see you, because
you were a good show. Limited
Engagement. Did you really think
you'd become Mayor? A Freak?
Causing a recall election? Gosh,
I feel bad now. I misled
you...You know, Oswald have you
ever considered doing one of those
delightful Professional Wrestling
shows?
INT. CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS--DAY
Penguin now chooses Anger.
PENGUIN
Pro Wrestling! Everybody knows
that's not real! I'm real! A
leader with vision and charisma!
I was going to start a Program to
teach Illiteracy and get rid of
that Ozone layer that's been
bothering everybody. You can't
weasel out on me! I nailed that
Catbimbo for you!
INT. THE SHRECK CONFERENCE ROOM--DAY
Max doesn't lose his cool.
MAX
By the way, if you come within
200 feet of me or my new security
force, you'll be put in an
institution for the rest of your
life. Toodles.
INT. CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS--DAY
Penguin's dazed hand lets the phone drop. As he did
before the spooky but HAPPY CLOWN rushes up to console
his boss.
HAPPY CLOWN
Gee Oswald, what's the matter?
Penguin swings around and thwacks the Happy Clown with
his umbrella just as he did before. Penguin's face
contorts into a metamorphosis of pain and serene self-
analysis.
PENGUIN
My name's not Oswald Cobblepot.
It's Penguin! And we're going
home.
EXT. THE OLD ZOO--DAY
With an operatic whoosh, Penguin clangs open the gates
of the old zoo. His low rent circus henchmen scramble
to keep up as the invigorated Penguin marches past the
desolate zoo trappings--barren cages, cracked sculptures,
the Gargantuan, but seedy Electrical Phalanx and the
Zoocoaster.
As he roams and rages, Penguin robustly tosses off his
top hat, rips open his tuxedo and yanks off his white
gloves, wiggling his webbed hands.
PENGUIN
Home. What I missed most was the
beauty. Simply ravaging.
(pang of self-contempt)
How could I be so stupid to think
I could get respect. How could I
be so stupid to want it in the
first place! Let's just call it
Temporary sanity. The only
souvenir I'll keep is the monocle.
(burst of renewal)
I feel so alive! I am not a human
being! I am an animal!
Penguin and his crew bustle upon passing rollercoaster
cars. Penguin takes a Washington-crossing-the-Delaware-
stance upon one of them as it chugs forward.
INT. THE LAIR--DAY
Penguin heartily hatches from the rollercoaster cart.
The Ice Conference table has melted into a majestic
stalagmite blob. Penguin lets off a booming squawk of
happiness. Responding to the call, his penguins flap
and slide out of the water.
PENGUIN
Oh my babies...do you forgive me?
For leaving and then coming back
with my tail between my...somebody
turn down the thermostat, I'm
boiling! It must be two degrees
in here! What do...
Penguin spins to see the Four Gray-Bellied Emperor
Penguins (from the opening) emerge from a dark patch
in the back of the lair. All penguins and people go
silent to behold their royal appearance. Except for a
middle-of-a-conversation Dwarf Two.
DWARF TWO
So I slam down that Bat spotlight
thing, and man, if you could have
seen the look on his face...
Not taking his eyes off the Emperors, Penguin waps the
Dwarf with one of his flippers.
PENGUIN
Shut up, Shorty.....The Elders.
Oh mighty, wondrous, luminous
mentors! What does your
appearance at this tumultuous
period, mean?
The Four Elder Penguins suddenly, simultaneously bray,
then stop. Penguin's face melts into Mount Rushmore
seriousness then explodes into savage glee. He slides
across what remains of the Ice conference table.
PENGUIN
It is all so clear. You want me
to go back one last time. If I
can't be king, I'll destroy the
kingdom! If I can't have Gotham's
respect, I'll get the next best
thing, its fear! Make that the
first best thing!
As Penguin bellows, his cohorts match his rabid excite-
ment. They tear away the scaffolding from the "mission
control" panel. They blow the dust off its surveillance
screens. They latch open patches of Ice that reveal
state-of-the-Surrealist-art missiles and weaponry.
Penguin rustles out some of his sketches that show
penguins in various states of Warrior-wear.
PENGUIN
Max Shreck. The Mayor. Those
brats with the stupid names--Punch
and Juliet. And if he's not too
tired from last night, Batman.
It's a time of sharing, and I have
so much to give. I have learned
the true meaning of Christmas:
Life is pure, unadulterated pain,
so you gotta take a couple days
off at the end of the year to have
some fun. Conga!
Penguin makes a terrifying squawk and the penguins
simultaneously hustle into a single file line, which
Penguin leaps to the front of. With rhythmic squawking
from all, Penguin and the penguins Conga.
INT. THE BATCAVE--DAY
Bruce sulks around the battered, anorexic Batmobile,
casually knocking out dents. ALfred marches up, worried.
BRUCE
All these years of bataranging
two-bit hoods off their tricycles
and the real power, the real evil,
calmly goes to work in Gotham
Plaza and collects "Man of the
Year" plaques.
ALFRED
Bruce, this attitude of yours...It
makes me...Is it only the memory
of your parents that inspires you.
It seems like it. You have as
much contempt for the people of
this city as Max and Penguin
combined.
BRUCE
You don't understand, Alfred. I
do care for the weak, pathetic,
and gullible people of Gotham Cirt.
Because I'm one of them.
Alfred nods proudly then looks to a letter in his hand.
ALFRED
The invitations to Mr. Shreck's
loathsome masquerade party came in
the mail today. I take it I
should R.S.V.P. most vehemently in
the negative.
BRUCE
Alfred, don't be unmelodramatic.
Break out the lampshades, we're
going.
ALFRED
May I ask, "What as?"
Bruce ambles to the ajar case that houses his bat
suit.
BRUCE
You'll never guess.
Bruce firmly closes the glass case door and walks off.
INT. A GLITZY DECADENCETHEQUE--NIGHT
Max Shreck's masquerade party is going full blast at a
malevolently glitzy Post-Everything Club. A PERVERSE
BAND is cranking out a sultry headbanger. The PARTY
GUESTS dance and gab completely IN COSTUME--costumes
that are exotic, erotic, enthralling, evil, and pretty
stupid.
A GAGGLE OF STRANGELY FAMILIAR PENGUINS WEARING BIZARRE
HEADGEAR AND DARLING CAPES are sprinkled amid the
subversively Christmased decor. Live or fake?
Max Shreck schmoozes through the crowd in a terrifying
black leather jacket-and-everything-else-ensemble with
a vivid red leather eye mask. TOUGH GLADIATORS WEARING
SECRET SERVICE SHADES AND EARPHONES loom around him.
MAX
And then we found out he was
homeless!
The Partygoers around Max break into giggles. An
ARMORED KNIGHT next to them lifts his visor to bulge
his eyes at this annoying behavior. It is Alfred.
The Mayor simmers, raising his glass with a bullshit
smile, at the toasting in the distance Max.
The Mayor is dressed in a Roman Toga that sprouts a
Caesar-style myriad of plasric daggers and fake blood
holes. His staff are dressed as COURT JESTERS, covered
with tingling bells. Commissioner Gordon sidles up to
the Mayor, dressed as a Viking.
GORDON
Mayor, I can't say I feel right
standing around sipping eggnog and
hitting on all the Catwomen, when
the Christmas Crimewave is still..
MAYOR
(toward Max)
Jim...it's taken care of. The
only criminal we have to worry
about is free-lance--Batman.
Various people are in Batman and Catwoman outfits,
including an undulating on the dance floor, Punch and
Juliet. Punch is Catwoman. Juliet is Batman. Both
wear their trademark blazers.
PUNCH
Juliet, I loved what you did with
the penguin motif...
JULIET
Wait a minute, Punch, I thought
the penguins were your idea...
Suddenly, the entrance to the club opens and Bruce Wayne
struts through the fray, dressed dramatically as......
BRUCE WAYNE. The only one without a costume, Bruce
catches some glares from the hedonists. The viewer's
viewpoint stays on a suited-up penguin, who takes a
couple of baby steps and then stops.
A batch of the other penguins begin to scurry around
the club in a military drill, then all stop at once.
Bruce angrily moves toward Max. Max looks up to make,
at first pleasant, then noticing Bruce's expression,
tense and confused eye contact.
Bruce's attention is diverted, upward. Starkly coming
down a deco-steel staircase in the middle of the club,
from a catwalk dance area is Selina Kyle dramatically
dressed as...SELINA KYLE. They give each other world-
weary smiles.
INT. THE CLUB--NIGHT
ARMORED ALFRED curiously moves forward to watch this
imminent meeting. A couple of penguins imitate his
movements. As in the opening scene, Alfred feels it
and turns around. They stop.
INT. THE CLUB--DANCE FLOOR--NIGHT
The enigmatic band goes into a chilling ballad as Selina
comes off the stairs and flows into Bruce's arms. They
nakedly dance amid the swathed-in-artifice Revelers.
BRUCE
I guess we were right about the
Relighting of the Tree. Rowdy.
SELINA
Thank God, we weren't there.
BRUCE
Yeah, schwoof. Nice costume.
SELINA
Thanks. I guess I'm tired of
wearing masks in front of people.
Selina goes in and out of a slow sultry pirouette.
BRUCE
I know the feeling. I've done a
lot of good things for the
community. Ignored a lot of bad
thinks, like my friend and your
boss. I'm taking Max down. As
Bruce Wayne.
SELINA
Selina Kyle has always suffered
and complained about her problems.
I want to be the one to cause
problems, so I'm taking Max down,
too.
Selina displays from her pocket, a derringer. Bruce
pushes it back into her pocket in shock.
INT. THE CLUB--NIGHT
ALFRED AND COMMISSIONER GORDON beam at Bruce and Selina
as if they were Mickey Rooney and Judy Garland. The
penguins move in closer.
GORDON
Make a darling couple.
ALFRED
Yes. She's a real sweetie.
INT. THE SEWER BELOW THE CLUB--EVENING
The spooky ballad of the ball wafts into a sewer below
the club. The lights of the club beat through the bars
of a ventilator shaft. Into this haunting mixture of
music, light, and slime come the wheels of Penguin's
closed Scissor-Lift apparatus.
INT. THE CLUB DANCE FLOOR--NIGHT
Bruce and Selina continue to dance, emotions rising.
SELINA
Don't give me any killing-Max-
won't-solve-anything crap, because
it will. He's the soul of Gotham
City. He...
BRUCE
Guess he gives that speech to
everybody. What are you doing,
quit screeching the wacko
platitudes and put your toy
away. Who do you think you are,
Selina?
SELINA
(genuinely sad)
I don't know, Bruce. I don't...
Bruce and Selina go in and out of a kiss, passing beneath
A GIANT PAPIER MACHE LEAF OF MISTLETOE.
SELINA
A kiss under the mistletoe? Did
you know mistletoe is poisonous,
if you eat it?
BRUCE
But a kiss is deadlier, if you
mean it.
Their eyes pop out in horror. Out of stunned disbelief,
they continue to sway.
INT. THE SEWER--NIGHT
The Dwarves crank up the Scissor lift. The viewer's
viewpoint looks to the bottom of the rising apparatus;
its passengers still a mystery.
INT. THE CLUB DANCE FLOOR--NIGHT
To the rhythm of the band's dark lullaby, Bruce slowly,
tenderly, carefully undoes the cuff of Selina's blouse
and begins to pull it back on her arm.
Selina, meanwhile, softly tugs Bruce's shirt into an
untucked position.
One of the passing penguins crashes against Alfred's
armor.
ALFRED
Ah ha, I knew it.
GORDON
What the...
Gordon furrows down to the moving penguin then looks out
to see that the squadron of penguins have taken an
ominously symmetrical position around the party.
Bruce and Selina take suspenseful gulps, not daring to
halt their last waltz. Bruce pulls back the blouse cuff
to reveal that nasty burn mark he gave her with his
chemicals. At the same bonesizzling moment, Selina pulls
up Bruce's shirt to reveal the puncture holes she gave
him with her talons. They savagely push off from each
other with uncivilized snarls.
SELINA
"City takes a lot of you. I was
running around all night.." Look
at you, all along the ultimate
defender of an insane society.
BRUCE
You'll have to forgive me, Miss "I
don't want to wear masks anymore."
I sure know how to pick 'em; a
self-ish destructing psycho-
feline...Shall we?
Bruce and Selina charge toward each other when suddenly,
the penguins drop their capes, revealing varying self-
perpetuating arsenals strapped to their backs. Some have
a Gatling machine gun apparatus, others have flamethrowers.
A HUGE (but non-gray bellied) PENGUIN lifts one of his
wings and fires a line of thin missiles into the middle
of the dance floor...where they brutally explode, sending
Bruce, Selina, and the other Dancers, convulsing to the
ground. Erupting out of the floor's burning hole is
Penguin's Rubber Duck buggy souped-up as a Christmas
sleigh with Penguin in a beardless Santa outfit and A
PACK OF RED TRIANGLE CIRCUS COHORTS WEARING ANTLERS.
PENGUIN
Mer-ry Chri-istmas! A party? For
me? You gu-uys!
Missiles and bullets are thundered on the exits by the
penguin terrorists. The Security Gladiators are incapa-
citated by flamethrower firepower. The guests futilely
shriek, vibrate, and faint in their inability to flee.
Schmoozer-from-hell Penguin hops off the sleigh and soft-
shoes by various trembling-in-fear Partygoers, on his way
to the eggnog and caviar, which he graphically engulfs.
He looks down to a fluttering on the ground SEXY WOMAN.
PENGUIN
(romantically)
Come here often? What do you say
we blow this shallow ritual and
just go somewhere and just...I
don't know, I'm feeling kinda
kooky...
INT. OTHER PART OF THE CLUB--NIGHT
Antlered Henchmen clutch upon Max, Punch, Juliet, the
Mayor, and his jingling staff, dragging them toward the
sleigh.
Bruce aches up and savagely clotheslines a passing Antler
Thug.
INT. PENGUIN'S PART OF THE CLUB--NIGHT
An anguished Max Shreck is carried past a giddy Penguin.
PENGUIN
Max, my man, and I thought you
were the designated driver. But
seriously, you're an ugly pig and
I'm going to love slaughtering
you. New Mask? Love it!
INT. OTHER PART OF THE CLUB--NIGHT
The strange headgear atop their heads wildly whirring,
the Penguins continue to commando-wobble the club
jubilantly destroying Christmas decoration with spewing
artillery. The wires of the giant hanging Mache Mistle-
toe leaf are shot away, causing it to drop, beside a
writhing on the floor Selina.
Seeing this, Bruce spins to the offending penguin and
sears out a karate kick that somersaults the penguin
against a wall. Seeing this, an attacking Antler Thug
lunges after Bruce. Commissioner Gordon slams him to
the ground with his Viking shield.
INT. PENGUIN'S PART OF THE CLUB--NIGHT
Penguin grooves on the dance floor to the sounds of
screams, then goes into a mock serious conversation mode,
chatting down to a young floorbound woman, who is dressed
as ALICE IN WONDERLAND.
PENGUIN
Christmas is just getting so
commericalized, don't you think?
ALICE
Ugh....ah...don't...
PENGUIN
Those are valid points, but you
know, every year I still somehow
get that warm feeling....Yuck!
Not enough Nog.
Penguin spits out a load of eggnog, then splashes the
rest of the cup down into Alice's coughing face.
PENGUIN
Yes Virginia, there is an
Anti-christ.
Penguin flips his cup over his head, smashing onto the
armored chest of a crouching Alfred. Penguin bounds up
into his Duck sleigh as Max, Punch, Juliet, the Mayor,
and his Staff are packed in along with various Antlered
Thugs and penguins.
PENGUIN
Oh but really, I have to go. New
Year's at my place!
(seriously)
I'd never been to a Christmas
party before. It didn't have to
be like this. Then again maybe it
did.
The Sleigh swooshes back down into the hole.
Bruce disengages the headgear from the booted and woozy
penguin and storms up. He bolts to the Mistletoe Leaf
and slides it away. Selina is gone. Alfred clangs up
beside him.
ALFRED
There's only one place a man could
keep so many penguins...
BRUCE
The Old Zoo. Batcave first...
ALFRED
But the Batmobile can't possibly...
BRUCE
Batcave.
EXT. THE OLD ZOO--NIGHT
Swathed back in his malevolent black coat, Penguin does
a Schwartzkopf strut before a vast legion of penguins.
The penguins stand in symmetrical attention, each with
three awesome bombs strapped to its back and the familiar
headgear on its head.
PENGUIN
Penguins, we stand at the
threshold of Something. It's okay
to be scared. Many of you won't
be coming back, many of you don't
understand a word I'm saying...but
before your transistor headgear
takes you away, remember, winning
isn't everything, but killing a
lot of people and destroying a lot
of property is way up there. The
liberation of Gotham City has
begun!
In drill fashion, the penguin Army splits into two
divisions; each division swarming into separate Sewer
pipes.
INT. A SEWER--NIGHT
All is quiet in a foggy, musty sewer. A buzzing noise
can be faintly heard, when suddenly Batman plows at the
viewer, driving a sleek, dark vehicle that is part boat,
part jet-ski. The Bat Boat whooshes up and down the
sides of the sewer.
INT. THE LAIR--NIGHT
Max, the Mayor, his staff, Punch, and Juliet have been
stuffed into the Lair's dirty animal cage, stripped to
their underwear.
The Lair hsa been slicked up for full operation. The
windexed TV screens and the glistening control panel are
showing shots of Gotham City and Gotham Square. Penguin
comes off his coaster.
PENGUIN
I always say the opera isn't over
until the fat lady comes off
stage, cuts open your stomach, and
shows you your intestines. You
saw how easily I took your
guardian angel Batman and made him
look like a filthy demon. Wait
till you see what I have planned
for the rest of Gotham's pilgrims.
MAYOR
You'll never get away with...
PENGUIN
(pressing button)
Of course I will....please. Let's
start with a little stocking
stuffer. I find a good blackout
gets everybody's juices flowing,
don't you?
EXT. THE SEEDY ELECTRICAL POWERHOUSE--NIGHT
Dwarf One and Dwarf Two have big beepers on their suits
go off. They hasten through the gasping and sparking
complex, before coming to a striking and charismatic RED
BOX, the soul of the complex, the only thing of the
powerhouse that looks like it is from this century. They
tug loose eight computerized fuses.
EXT. GOTHAM PLAZA--NIGHT
The lights of Gotham Square go dead except for some
strategically creepy lighting. The INNOCENTS ON THE
STREET brake with fluttering hearts, getting very nervous.
EXT. THE SEEDY POWERHOUSE--NIGHT
Dwarf Two shouts into a walkie-talkie.
DWARF TWO
Phase completed!
Suddenly a Catwoman claw slams both Dwarves down.
INT. THE LAIR--NIGHT
Penguin cackles into a Mission Control microphone. The
screens show fearful Gothamites and Penguins marching
through the sewers.
PENGUIN
Great! And sorry for calling you
Shorty.
(to his prisoners)
I know what you're saying "Ooh, a
blackout. Big whoop. What's
next, crank phone calls?" Don't
worry, I won't let you down.
INT. A SEWER OF PENGUINS--NIGHT
A division of penguin Commando Bombers motivate in unison
through a sewer passage. Their headgear clicks and
whirs.
EXT. GOTHAM CITY STREET
Another squardon of the penguin mercenaries gush out from
an open sewer grate and continue to march in eerie form-
ation through a deserted but placidly pretty city street.
INT. THE SEWER OF BATMAN--NIGHT
The Bat Boat slaloms the curved sewer sides, past the
explosions and the penguins. Batman flicks out the card
the Kid gave him.
INT. THE KID'S GARAGE--NIGHT
The Kid hangs an ornament on his shabby worktable
Christmas tree. On the ornament is a picture of two
people who must be his PARENTS. Cold air wafts in from
his shattered garage door.
THE KID
(grimly)
Merry Christmas......Well, at
least I got to meet Batman and...
A rickety rotary phone rings. The Kid picks up.
INT. THE SEWER OF BATMAN--NIGHT
Batman sternly articulates through a strange phone device
attached to his motoring ahead Sewermobile.
BATMAN
The object you stole from me.
You're going to need it.
INT. THE GARAGE--NIGHT
The Kid goes into sheepish distress.
THE KID
Batman, uh, what a pleasant...It's
been too long...thing I stole?
I'm a blank, uh, and I don't think
I like the accusation, I mean...
INT. THE SEWER OF BATMAN--NIGHT
Batman tensely enunciates.
BATMAN
The pinwheel-shaped descrambler.
That you borrowed. Get it out.
Now.
INT. THE GARAGE--NIGHT
The Kid rustles out the object from a shoebox.
THE KID
Oh, the pinwheel-shaped descrambler
that I borrowed...Why didn't you
say...
INT. THE SEWER OF BATMAN--NIGHT
Batman remains calm.
BATMAN
Look out your window and tell me
if you see penguin Bombers coming
out of your sewer main.
INT. THE GARAGE--NIGHT
The Kid reaches out to a worktable curtain.
THE KID
Penguin bomb--? Is this a--?
Should really lay off the Batnog.
Man, hope you're not driv--Whoa...
The Kid pulls back the curtain and bulges to see penguin
commandos bubble out a sewer main like ants on a dead
beetle.
INT. THE SEWER OF BATMAN--NIGHT
Batman calms the Kid down, almost amused.
BATMAN
Okay, okay, calm down. Here's
what you're going to do....hold
on...
Five swimming penguins suddenly appear before Batman,
firing their payloads. Batman savagely curls his boat
all the way up the oval pipe until he is momentarily
completely upside down. He swooshes back down past the
penguins and the resulting explosions.
Batman takes out the headgear he took off the penguin at
the club. It has been opened up to reveal its techno-
logical origins.
BATMAN
As I was saying...
INT. THE LAIR--NIGHT
Penguin dances about the control panel, watching his
little namesakes taking the street.
BESPECTACLED CREEP
First launch has been programmed
to commence in thirty seconds.
EXT. GOTHAM STREET LEADING TO PLAZA--NIGHT
One of the penguin divisions stops. Gotham Plaza looms
ahead.
EXT. ANOTHER STREET--NIGHT
The other squadron stops. Another view of the Plaza
can be seen.
EXT. GOTHAM STREET LEADING TO PLAZA--NIGHT
One of the bombs on each of the halted penguins' backs
smoothly fulminates and arcs up into the air.
EXT. GOTHAM PLAZA--NIGHT
Pinpoint explosions detonate over and into the Plaza like
a Wrath-of-God case of the measels.
Architecture erupts with idiosyncratic hits that damage,
but do not destroy. The beleaguered Citizens return
to screaming, running, Godzillaesque madness.
EXT. OUTSIDE THE GARAGE--NIGHT
Bathed in Gotham flames, The Kid wrangles upon a bike,
punching in coordinate numbers into the black, pinwheel
object.
THE KID
I'll never steal anything again.
I'll never steal anything...
especially descramblers.
He attaches the pinwheel object to his belt and presses
a button in its middle. The pinwheel starts to spin.
EXT. GOTHAM STREET LEADING TO PLAZA--NIGHT
THE REGIMENT OF PENGUINS. The headgear ensconsed upon
the penguins begin to whine and rattle like changing
Airport terminal boards. The penguins simultaneously
turn and trot away from the Plaza.
INT. THE LAIR--NIGHT
Penguin belches out fraternity-size squawks taking in the
smoke, fury, and wails of the Gotham City carnage on the
screen. The Mayor glowers at Max Shreck, who shrugs his
shoulder.
PENGUIN
Oh Max, it don't get much better
than this...
Penguin convulses into laughter so fierce that he rolls
to the ground. He looks up to Max through the bars of
the cage. He stops laughing as the music from his
birth in the opening wrestles control of the soundtrack.
The sight of a horrified Max in an undershirt through the
bars recalls the one of the horrified, undershirted
Angelic Child looking to his caged mutant brother.
PENGUIN
(poignantly)
"Honey, don't stare at your
brother."
(unconvincing
laugh-it-off)
Geez, Max, for a second there, I
thought...
MAX
I am. Your brother, that is.
EXT. GOTHAM STREET--NIGHT
The pinwheel spinning on his belt, the Kid pumps his bike
down a city street. Suddenly the two giant divisions of
penguins magnificently converge out of two side streets
and march together behind the increasingly weirded-out
Kid.
THE KID
Oh man...Batman.
(nervous snort of
laughter)
I hate him.
INT. THE LAIR--NIGHT
Uncharacteristically chilled and shivering, Penguin rises
as Max contemptuously spills their heritage.
MAX
I liked the idea of a brother.
Playing catch. Measles. Double
dates. Did not quite work out,
did it? God, I remember the
first time I looked at you in
that playpen--those eyes, that
nose...I always wondered why Mom
and Dad waited a whole week before
throwing you down the sewer.
MAYOR
Thanks, Max. Way to talk him out
of destroying the city.
MAX
All along, all this time, you've
been just a poor little rich boy,
an incredibly hideous poor little
rich boy, who just wants to go
back to his Mummy, his Daddy, and
the legitimacy of his family name.
Did not quite work out, did it?
PENGUIN
(softly)
It's cold in here...
INT. THE SEWER--NIGHT
The BABY CARRIAGE THAT PENGUIN'S PARENTS DISPATCHED HIM
IN lies weathered and rusted in a pool of ooze. The
rocketing Bat Boat uncompassionately whams the carriage
to pieces, cutting off the soundtrack birth music.
INT. THE LAIR--NIGHT
Penguin roars out of his sadness, toward the Mission
Control.
PENGUIN
You don't get it! I don't need
you! You won't let me come to you
so I'm bringing the city down to
me! Penguins are set to fire their
payloads in how many seconds...
BESPECTACLED CREEP
(frantically
punching)
Well, uh, funny thing is....Those
penguins, they're not responding
so good. They're kind of turned
around...Seems somebody jammed our
signals and...
LURID SNAKE WOMAN IN GLASSES
You think that's bad, take a look
at this...
She punches up the controls so the image of Batman plowing
through the sewers is spread out across the screens. The
prisoners burst into cheers.
PENGUIN
....Why? Why? What does he get
out of doing this?
MAYOR
I always knew Batman would come
through for us.
The Elder Penguins simultaneously turn their gray bellies
and sagely retreat back into the darkness of the back of
the Lair.
PENGUIN
Elders...Elders, come back! What
does your departure at this
tumultuous...I don't wanna know....
Penguin dashes toward his rollercoaster track.
EXT. A HILL--NIGHT
The Kid heaves and sweats his bike up a hill, the
penguins puttering behind him. A popping and hissing
noise is heard. The Kid angrily pivots off his bike to
check the flat. The vast penguin army calmly stop with
him.
THE KID
Oh man...
The Kid throws down the bike and breaks into a jog.
The penguins chug behind him. The Kid lopes to the top
of the hill. The Old Zoo looms in the distance.
INT. THE LAIR--NIGHT
Clown Gunmen load their weapons while buzzing toward the
Lair's gaping pipe in the motorized Rubber Duck sleigh
boat. Also in the boat, the Sword Swallower pulls a
rifle from his mouth. They raise their weapons to the
pipe as the Bat Boat fantastically erupts through the
grate and violently slams down upon the Rubber Duck hit
team.
Penguin frantically runs inplace by the rollercoaster.
PENGUIN
Where are these damn carts when
you need them...
A cart, also shaped as a Duck, finally rolls by. Penguin
dives in.
Batman curls the Bat Module toward the Mission Control
island. He fires off a flurry of machine gun fire that
tears apart the screens and sends Penguin's henchpeople
flying. The Lurid Snake Charmer woman cries down to her
two shot-to-death pythons.
The Bat Boat dramatically charges up onto the island.
Batman bounds out and gives a glance to the rumbling away
Penguin.
PUNCH AND JULIET
Batman! Save us!
BATMAN
Later.
(regarding Max)
Much.
Batman turns back toward his Boat. A CREEP WITH A HUGE
RING OF KEYS PIERCED INTO HIS NOSE charges him. Lowering
himself, Batman grabs from underneath the charging thug
and fiercely shotputs his body into a resounding crash
next to the cage.
Batman vaults in his boat and spins it toward the tunnel
of Snow and Ice......while Max reaches down to the ring
of keys.
Just as Batman reaches the tunnel, his Bat Module sprouts
out FOUR STALWART SKI LEGS. He thunders up the tunnel.
Penguin's prisoners scramble out of the cage and pull
themselves into their clothes.
EXT. THE OLD ZOO AREA--NIGHT
Penguin swerves his cart off the track and bulldozes
through the snow, with the forces of fiery boosters, to
the nearby, buzzing Electrical Set-up. Penguin slams
down a huge switch.
The Gaudy Bulbs of the zoo and its rollercoaster come
violently to light with most of the ancient fixtures
harshly exploding. Shoddy fallen wires drop upon the
cages like angry snakes.
Batman storms from the tunnel and immediately blitzes
Penguin who, with a desperate but not uneuphoric laugh,
thunders off in his cart. Penguin maniacally weaves
through the cages and rotted exhibits with a bit more
expertise than the equally intense Batman. Dilapidated
Lit sculptures crackle and explode.
EXT. OLD ZOO GROUNDS--OUTSIDE THE LAIR--NIGHT
The Mayor and his bell jingling staff, along with Punch
and Juliet, belly up from the tunnel and scatter off.
Max emerges up from the cave in more stately fashion
until a cat o' nine tails whip wraps and rips him off-
screen.
EXT. THE OLD ZOO GROUNDS--NIGHT
Penguin snarls out a hairpin turn. Batman slams through
a strange piece of decrepit zoo architecture and does a
dangerous snow churning spin into the railing of an
ominous animal pit, almost flying into the abyss.
Penguin makes another turn, caterwauling back to Batman
with a victorious laugh. Turning around, his monocle
drops. Standing at overpowering attention, in front of
Penguin, is THE KID AND THE STERN FACE LEGION OF PENGUIN
COMMANDOS.
PENGUIN
My babies...
Batman and his Ski-boat sallies forth behind Penguin and
then stops to witness the confrontation with a half-smile.
The Kid turns off the pinwheel object. Suddenly, back
on schedule, the penguins launch out the rest of their
payload.
What is left of rundown cages and the decayed Expo-
tecture is mightily laid to glorious waste in a symphony
of fireballs. The Ratty Poodle transforms into a smoking
crater.
Bombs bursting holes of black in the snow beside him,
Penguin wildly retreats. Batman vrooms after him.
Penguin's cart charges back upon the track of the
smoking, but intact rollercoaster. It rumbles upward.
Batman squeals his Ski-boat to a stop and vaults off it.
The Kid rushes up and flips him the pinwheel object.
THE KID
Guess I won't be needing to borrow
the descrambler anymore. At least
not for a while...We save the city
or what?
BATMAN
Getting there. I owe you two.
Got a name?
THE KID
Yeah.....but I like to be
called...Robin...
BATMAN
Nice name...Oh Robin...
When Batman turns back around, the Kid, ROBIN, is gone.
Batman smiles at the utilization of one of his own traits.
Losing the smile, Batman fires up a grapple to a high
echelon of rollercoaster track. He swooshes upward.
EXT. THE ROLLERCOASTER--NIGHT
Penguin's rollercoaster cart ramshackles upward, its
passenger giving feverish looks down below to see if he
is being chased. He distraughtly stares to the beauti-
ful image of Batman gliding up in air before him,
glimmering in the moonlight.
Batman unhooks out of his grapple levitation and drops
down into Penguin's passing-beneath cart.
Penguin tries to point his umbrella. Batman bats it out
of his hand as he rides the cart standing up. He meth-
odically pummels Penguin, resembling a boy punishing a
terry bear.
BATMAN
You're so small and cuddly and
(in syncopation with
punches)
So. Much. Fun. To. Beat.
PENGUIN
Oh come on, cut it out. This is
so mature....You're not still mad
at me for ruining your rep and
trashing your car, are you?
Batman gears up for a last savage blow when the roller-
coaster makes a sudden swerve that sends Batman and
Penguin crunching out the back of the car and onto the
track.
Penguin reaches to his heel and pulls out a HAND
UMBRELLA. He wobbles upward with a sweaty, shaky, and
pathetically fierce confidence. Batman crouches into a
kneel to face him. Penguin shoves in his bent-up
cigarette holder.
PENGUIN
All I ever wanted was the love of
my fellow man and their painful
destruction.
BATMAN
I understand. I protect the
people of Gotham City. From
themselves. That means I must
love. And despise. I must be
the Light. And the Dark.
PENGUIN
Oh, stall for time, much....Life
is scary. You're a man who wants
to be a bat, I'm a freaky bird who
wants to be a man. Did you know
that I found out tonight that Max
Shreck is my brother. Can you
believe that?
Batman snorts, then laughs. Slowly. Deeply. Penguin
contorts in a wild cackle of camaraderie.
PENGUIN
Hey, I wonder what Catwoman's deal
was?
BATMAN
Actually, she's my girlfriend...
Batman and Penguin roar even louder.
PENGUIN
You know, we could talk all night
about why we do what we do, why we
dress the way we do, who had the
best childhood trauma, who got the
worst genes, who's the real
monster, and what's truly
human...But hey, in the end it all
comes down to who's holding the
umbrella....Any last words?
BATMAN
Yes. Just two. Laser Bunny.
Batman pitches out one of the little orange sirening
transistors that Penguin used to hypnotize the pigeons
into the police cars. The buzzing orange beacon
attaches itself onto Penguin's coat.
EXT. THE BATBOAT ON THE GROUNDS BELOW--NIGHT
Suddenly, an INSANE TRIBE OF BATS billow out of break-
a-way panels on the Batboat. They thunder upward to
the.....
EXT. THE ROLLERCOASTER--NIGHT
A freaking Penguin tears off his coat and hot potatoes
it away.
PENGUIN
I see you brought the whole family
I'm sure once you get to know
them...
Resurrecting up, Batman calmly lobs another orange
siren-transistor onto Penguin's back at a spot where
Penguin hysterically flaps to reach but can't.
PENGUIN
I need some famous last words.
You gotta give me time for some
famous last words...."Death...is
like..."
The black cloud of bats beseige Penguin, biting and
screeching and battering him off the rollercoaster track.
The isolated accessory of his bid for respect--his
monocle--falls and cracks on the ground.
Penguin's bat-bit body dive-bombs into the rambling Duck
rollercoaster cart on a track below.
The force of Penguin's crash landing sends the cart
sparking on its side.
PENGUIN
"Death is like...."
INT. THE LAIR--NIGHT
The cart skids into the Lair, screeching and tipping. It
and Penguin make an epic crash landing that completely
demolishes the Mission Control panel, sending the Lair
into darkness. The darkness that the Lair greeted Penguin
when he was a baby.
EXT. THE ROLLERCOASTER--NIGHT
From his gloriously elevated track-top position, Batman
stares out to see Catwoman dragging Max into the grand,
sparking electrical power center.
INT. THE LAIR HIDEOUT--NIGHT
With a zombie face, Penguin crawls from the rubble of
rollercoaster into a patch of light.
EXT. THE GROUNDS BEFORE THE ELECTRICAL PHALANX--NIGHT
Revealed in her now tattered but still arousing gear,
Catwoman pulls and drags a pussycatwhipped but still cool
Max by his neck, through the wild, buzzing electrical
complex.
MAX
I don't know who you are, but
there must be something you like.
I can get it for you, Catwoman.
Money, jewelry, a very big ball of
string...
CATWOMAN
Your blood, Max. I'd like to have
your blood.
MAX
Pint?
CATWOMAN
Gallons.
Catwoman flicks forth the familiarly unique stun gun in
her free hand and gives Max a wee shot that causes him
to grimace.
BATMAN (O.S.)
Stop.
Catwoman and Max do, the latter dropping to his knees.
CATWOMAN
Batman, here to save the day.
MAX
Batman! You are remarkable!
Again, you're not just saving one
life, you're saving the whole of....
BATMAN
Shut up, Max. You're not going to
be killed. But you are going to
be punished.
MAX
But you don't understand. I'm the
soul of...
BATMAN
I've heard. Gotham's getting a
transplant.
CATWOMAN
Don't be naive. When people like
Max say "Jump", we say "Out the
window or off the rollercoaster?"
The law does not apply...
Batman takes a step forward. Catwoman lightly zaps Max,
then smashes the gun to the ground, cracking it in two.
She launches into a fierce cartwheel that ends in
Batman's abdomen.
CATWOMAN
(genuinely pleading)
Please, please...don't make me
hurt you. You can't control me.
BATMAN
Don't make me fight back. I can't
control myself.
Catwoman slashes out with her talons, nicking Batman's
face. Batman pivots and punches her side. They both
sneer in pain and anger and love.
Max frantically crawls to the dispatched Dwarf One's
body and pulls a six shooter from the small man's belt.
Batman and Catwoman stalk each other, almost spitting
their words.
BATMAN
You've been surrounded by monsters.
Now you've become one. Bad move.
CATWOMAN
Oh, now you tell me...
Catwoman charges forward again. Batman sweeps his leg,
tripping her to the ground.
BATMAN
I've seen the middle ground--funny,
beautiful, wonderfully rude...
MAX
(rising up)
What is he talking abou--
BATMAN
I love you, Selina.
Catwoman springs up and points her talons into Batman's
neck.
CATWOMAN
I could live with you in your
castle for ever after, just like
the fairy tale. I just couldn't
live with myself. I love you, too,
Bruce. But don't pretend this is
a happy ending.
Catwoman leans forward for a kiss, but instead gives
Batman a head-butt that causes him to stumble backward.
MAX
Selina, Selina Kyle! You're fired!
Bruce, Bruce Wayne! You're my
friend! I'm going to kill you all!
CATWOMAN
Don't flatter yourself. You're
not very good at it.
Max fires into Batman's neck, sending him into a pained
crouch, then swings the gun toward sauntering forward
Catwoman.
CATWOMAN
You killed me once. Batman killed
me once. Penguin killed me once.
I have six lives left. And you
only have five bullets.
Max fires two shots. One rips into her arm. The other
into her leg. She takes off her mask, not stopping.
SELINA
Four, five. Still alive.
Selina bends down and picks up the top half of the stun
gun. She continues to yawn forward as Max shoots her
other arm, her other leg, and her stomach.
SELINA
Six, seven, eight. Who do we
appreciate? Still one life left.
How about a last kiss, Santey Claus?
Selina hobbles forward as Max rapidly clicks the empty
gun. She shoves the sparking stun gun-half into her mouth
like an alien retainer and puts her arms around Max as he
feebly attempts to duck down to the other dwarf's gun.
She plunges her steel talons into the eight holes of the
charismatic red fusebox and gives Max a stunning kiss!
Their bodies buck together, turning into glowing, bolts
of lightning. Catlike screams of almost-happiness fill
the air.
BATMAN
No!
Batman is hammered back to the ground by the bellowing
sparkage.
EXT. GOTHAM PLAZA--NIGHT
The lights of Gotham City and Gotham Square flash back
on! And off. On and off.
The Bat Beacon spookily slams on and off against the sky.
The lights of the grand Christmas Tree flash on to an
almost brilliant degree. Seeing this, the faces of the
beleagured Gotham Square beam out in a happiness of equal
brilliance.
EXT. THE ELECTRICAL COMPLEX--NIGHT
Batman bounds up after the current conducting Selina, but
a hand slaps down on his shoulder. It is Alfred's.
Batman stops.
INT. THE DARK LAIR--NIGHT
Penguin rolls on his back and stares up to the sound of
Catwoman's haunting wails.
PENGUIN
Catwoman...."Death is like...this."
Penguin finishes his sentence and probably his life with
a painfully realistic squawk. As in birth, as in death,
the Four Elder Emperor penguins surround their fallen
disciple in the nostalgic darkness of the lair. Like
otherly kingdom Pallbearers, the gray bellied penguins
lift Penguin up with their beaks and sadly trod him back
into the darkness.
EXT. GOTHAM PLAZA--NIGHT
The bat beacon light, the city lights, and the Christmas
tree lights continue to flash out in wondrous syncopation.
The Carolers begin singing again.
Now openly rejoicing at the symbolically glorious light
show, Gothamites of all shapes and sizes move together
and link hands. Santa Claus holds the hand of the
Adorable Little Girl as the Carolers boom out. The All-
American Family--Dad, Mom, and Son--clutching his Batman
sled, lock together.
EXT. STREET CORNER--NIGHT
Punch and Juliet pant up to a street corner.
JULIET
Oh Punch, we have the best job.
No matter how mighty our clients
rise and fall, we stay deliciously
the same.
PUNCH
You're right, you're always right.
...I hear the Riddler is hiring.
JULIET
Baby, Fate is our friend.
Juliet begins to soprano out the Carolers' song as she
presses the street corner's Walk/Don't Walk button.
INT. PENGUIN'S BARREN HEADQUARTERS--NIGHT
The Scoreboard in Penguin's headquarters goes to
17,000/17,000.
EXT. THE STREET CORNER--NIGHT
Punch and Juliet blow up.
THE WAYNE ROLLS-ROYCE--NIGHT
zips past the explosion. Batman and a driving Alfred
are crammed together in the front seat. Batman soulfully
blinks at the passing ball of fire.
EXT. CITY HALL--NIGHT
The Rolls rumbles past the steps of City Hall where The
Mayor, his staff, and Commissioner Gordon, out of their
costumes, come out to reflect up to the flashing bat
signal.
GORDON
Think he'll ever forgive us?
MAYOR
(matured)
Probably not. But he'll always
help us.
EXT./INT. THE WAYNE ROLLS-ROYCE--NIGHT
putters by the line of beaming citizens. Batman gives
off a snort and cynical smile to the rejoicing minions.
BATMAN
I guess this means we won.
Alfred slams on the brakes. The car lurches to a halt
just avoiding hitting Selina's cat, smugly sauntering
across the road.
EXT. THE ELEGANT PLAZA CLOCK--NIGHT
starts tolling the chimes of midnight.
INT. THE ROLLS--NIGHT
starts up again. Batman makes eye contact with Selina's
cat.
ALFRED
Sorry, sir and....Merry Christmas.
Batman pulls off his mask, becoming a moving mixture of
Man and Superman. He looks up to the flashing on and off
Bat signal.
BRUCE WAYNE
Sure.
THE BAT BEACON
flashes slower and slower as the viewer's viewpoint of
it moves closer and closer. It suddenly stops flashing,
leaving only the darkness of the night.
FADE OUT.
THE END